Lo(o)se

Everyone insane people like myself talks about the fact that there are a shitload of people who can't use the right variations of than/then, there/their/they're and you're/your, yet I never see anyone comment on the lose/loose epidemic. Seriously people, are we you this fucking stupid? Quick English lesson for all of the "C" students out there:

Lose:

Three Examples --  

• I need to lose weight because I'm a fat piece of shit who, on a completely separate topic can't spell to save my life.
• It's okay to lose, Johnny; you're going to be doing it for years to come.
• Dump the body in the river; it's weighing us down and we have to lose the cops!

Loose:

Three Examples:

• Your mother has a loose hinge on the kitchen door. You should really fix that for her; she'd be really appreciative. By the way, her pussy is HUGE.
• During my severe opiate withdrawal, every bowel movement has been loose.
• While I was railing your sister in the ass, the dog got loose. It didn't escape from the yard, I just meant that I accidentally penetrated him during our threesome. You're out of peanut butter and kibble by the way.

So now you all should know how to not make everyone me miserable by being unable to write retarded. Now kill yourself and I may actually like tolerate you.


PS - holy fucking shit, the amount of people who can't differentiate women/woman is astounding. Somehow I'm going to blame this on the feminists. And we wonder why a white kid hasn't won a spelling bee in North America since the '80s. Oh! Don't let me forget too about "come on" often being written as "common." Seriously, retards... come on, this should be common knowledge. Back to using auto-correct, everyone...

Someone PLEASE Save the WWE

I got back to watching the WWE about ten months ago after a near two year hiatus... and boy have I been primarily underwhelmed. Gone are the days of interesting storylines, diverse matches and captivating "Superstars." Instead we're given the same old show every Monday and Friday. Episodes of Raw and SmackDown have essentially regressed to this basic formula:

• forty minutes of wrestling ranging from completely uninteresting to semi-interesting

• ten minutes of The Shield cutting a goofy promo and/or putting on a very good match

• ten minutes of recapping the previous episode

• ten minutes of John Cena talking about "hustle" while Ryback breathes maniacally

• five minutes of Sheamus saying "fella" and/or having lame tag team matches with Randy Orton

• ten minutes of Paul Heyman being annoying, but actually being pretty entertaining

• five minutes of Fan(nnnnnn)dan(nnnnnn)go(oooooooo) dancing with Summer Rae, which is starting to get a little old

• ten minutes of Kane and Daniel Bryan having semi-decent tag team matches usually preceded by Daniel having a temper tantrum like an 11 year old

• ten minutes of Alberto Del Rio and Jack "I've Been Hit in the Head With a Shovel and It's Quite Evident in More Ways Than One" Swagger arguing about 'Murrica

• five minutes of Tensai looking awkward as fuck while dancing with Brodus Clay which is ended by losing a boring match

• ten minutes of reminding us that the WWE app is a thing, reminders to follow WWE on Twitter and commercials for WWE brand abortions movies

• five minutes of Damien Sandow calling the WWE fans stupid (he's right, you know) and then getting his shit stomped by Sheamus, Orton, Jericho, etc.

That's pretty sad considering how much talent they really have but are not utilizing properly. Let's start with Brodus Clay and Tensai. These two dancing clowns look absolutely ridiculous. JBL is 100% correct when he refers to them as "giant dancing tomatoes" when they come to the ring after stealing the wardrobe from an unfortunate Armenian family (this part is just my assumption.) Instead of being terrible dancers, these guys could be absolutely great monster heels. Whether this comes in the form of a tag team, or as individuals - both could be very interesting.

Randy Orton - Easily one of the most talented guys on the roster. He hasn't really been a part of anything interesting lately though. Sure he's had some decent matches with Big Show, Mark Henry and Sheamus but they didn't really amount to anything. Orton should really go back to being a heel and should even perhaps go after the Intercontinental or US Championship to bring back some credibility to the belts. Orton as a face isn't entirely satisfying. Let's just be honest - the guys just looks like an asshole and can play the part very well.

Kane - What. A. Joke... once the most feared guy on the roster, the Big Red Machine has become nothing more than a sad wreck. His new mask looks like someone attached an elephant hymen to his face and his pussified new character is just plain cringeworthy. He's no longer a legitimate contender for one of the top belts, but he'd be great as either the US or Intercontinental Championship. And what about this for a storyline - Kane vs Randy Orton: Orton turns heel and starts periodically attacking Kane claiming that he will do so every week until The Undertaker accepts a match at Wrestlemania 30. At Wrestlemania, Orton will break "The Streak" allowing The Undertaker to retire while propelling Orton to an instant championship contender.

Wade Barrett - He's got the look, he's got the talent and he's got that condescending little way about him, which I personally love. He should be getting way better matches and would look great in the championship title hunt. Instead of forcing guys like Jack Swagger down our throats, why not give Barrett a shot? He's much more gifted on the mic and frankly, he doesn't look like he's got a mild case of autism.

Ryback - You've got the look, but you're awful on the mic. This is where Paul Heyman should come in. He's got Lesnar, CM Punk and now Curt Axel. How awesome would it be to have them as a super-stable? Think about it - Punk and Lesnar could own the WWE Championship and the World Heavyweight Championship, respectively while Axel and Ryback could make for a nasty tag team or legitimate secondary champions. Eventually, Ryback could turn face (like Batista did as a member of Evolution) and take on Lesnar for his belt (allowing Brock to take another hiatus.)

The Great Khali - I don't even know what to say...

Kofi Kingston - One of the most athletic athletes seen in the ring since Shelton Benjamin (please come back, just without the hair dye.) Kingston could be really fun as a heel, but even more so as a hardcore style wrestler (like Rob Van Dam) who has good technical ability. I don't see him with one of the two major belts, but he's good with a secondary belt or as part of an entertaining tag team (Kingston and Daniel Bryan could be entertaining.)

Why do I even bother to come back?

Most importantly, the WWE needs to stop with this PG crap. I get WHY they're doing it (all about that profit, dolla dolla) but it's really a sad product. I don't think there really is a place for guys like Stone Cold in today's wrestling unfortunately, but it's not THAT, that is the problem. There used to be so much depth back in the Attitude Era. Sure, what everyone remembers most is the McMahon/Austin feud, The Rock, Mick Foley (and his alter-egos) and DX, but there were wrestlers like - (non pussified) Kane, The Undertaker, Kurt Angle, The Dudleyz, Ken Shamrock, The Hardyz, The APA, an actual Divas Division, a great Tag Team Division and many others who made the promotion great.

How To Create a Successful Online Dating Profile

This is a topic I've been mulling over for awhile now. In a world where virtually everyone has their eyes glued to their computer screens and cell phones, it only seems logical that the world of online-dating will continue to flourish. People these days are spending less time than ever actually socializing in person. Everything is done via Twitter, Facebook, texts or something else involving keys and emoticons.

To those of you who already have or are thinking of creating online dating profiles through sites such as Plenty of Fish, OKCupid or eHarmony -- here are some great tips to help improve your chances of finding that special person.

Have an interesting opening line
Engage those who are about to read your profile. You're selling yourself after all. Say what you're looking for; whether it's someone for the long-haul or just a place to keep your penis warm for the night, let them know what you goal is.

Talk about your interests and hobbies
You want to let people know what you're all about as an individual. Tell people what you enjoy. List your musical preferences, your favourite movies or books. That gives the reader a bit more to grab on to. Also, it's a good way to see if you have mutual interests.

Have a nice profile picture
Nothing is worse than someone without a picture. Not having a picture is essentially code for "I have a BMI of about 35." Also, make sure your face is displayed. Just because your tits are double D gifts from Jeebus himself, it by no way means that you're pretty.

Give a brief backstory
This doesn't mean your life story. No one wants to hear about your issues with your older brother who picks on you, or that time your uncles male "ex-roommate" touched your wiggly bits after he convinced you that he was a certified pediatrician (even though you were 27 at the time.) No -- by a "backstory" I mean that you should mention where you go to school/work, a few interesting details and your future goals and expectations.

The average looking online dater

So there you go. You're on your way to creating a wildly successful online dating profile! However, I neglected to mention one thing...

Online profiles only work if you're an above average looking male, or a female (not even a good looking female... just one with working parts.) Online dating sites are for the most part full of delusional people women who believe that they're for some reason entitled to Brad Pitt; despite their obvious mediocrity.

Good luck out there; you'll need it (if you're a guy.)

Depression

I should begin this by saying that this post is not meant to be whiny or anything of the sorts. It's really just meant to be something that the one or two people who read this can relate to. Anyways, I'll begin...

Every day waking up truly feels like a chore. Colours are dull, eating is a hassle, jokes aren't funny and every hour spent awake feels like a week. Even things you previously loved to do can begin to feel mundane and bothersome. It's like there's a void; an empty chasm. A lot of people think it's easy to rectify; "go out, it's simple!" They don't understand that there is a severe catch 22. When you're sad, you don't want to go out; it's tiresome, a burden even. Don't get me wrong, there are many people who claimed to be depressed, but in reality are just bored or want attention; they've got their own issues. Those are the people that the "just go out" advice will have a better chance at finding happiness. I've dealt with it for so long that I honestly cannot remember the last time I felt happy. My guess would be that it was around a year and a half ago. Unfortunately it was short. Before that, I had spent about nine or ten months being pretty satisfied with things. Sure, life wasn't perfect, but it was manageable. I even had one thing in my life that made me incredibly happy, but now I can't recall the feeling; only the vague memory that things were better.

My memory is rapidly getting worse. I notice that I feel slow and that I'm hardly able to be articulate around people anymore. School is a fucking train wreck and I'd do anything to have just never enrolled. I don't really care about my well being, although I do make a point not to let that show with friends or family members. The other week or so, I was jumped while walking home late at night. My reaction was to fight back, obviously, but the concerning part was that I wasn't scared at all. I don't mean to phrase that as if I'm some pseudo-badass or anything. What I mean is that I couldn't have really cared too much. I mean sure, if I had of gotten stabbed or something, I'm sure I would have freaked out a bit, but after the incident I felt calm and I know that can't be a healthy response. It's a real motherfucker for sure, depression, I mean. I understand why people kill themselves to be honest. If I had the means, I'd likely be a part of an unfortunate statistic by now. Like I said in the beginning, this isn't meant to help or hurt anyone, but rather to be relatable to someone. However, it's most likely going to be nothing more than another drop in the ocean that is the Internet.

An Undeserved Sense of Importance

If you were expecting to stumble upon a few paragraphs that contain content that you have never heard of in some capacity before, I would recommend that you stop reading right now.

How often do you come across a disclaimer like that in your daily life? My guess would be somewhere in the vicinity of, never. Unfortunately it seems that most people would never admit that the vast majority of things that they say or write are relatively meaningless. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean to imply that ALL peoples' thoughts are idiotic. No, what's idiotic is the amount of attention whore behaviour that is prevalent and... ugh, encouraged.

I'm not exactly sure when this happened, but at a certain point our society began to get the retarded notion that whenever there was a thought, it should be shared in some capacity. Social media outlets like Facebook certainly provide an easy and effective way for every attention deprived, self-important person to create pointless writings about riveting things that include, but are not limited to things like the following:

- How "hammed" you are, will be or was
- Miscellaneous song lyrics that aren't/don't relate to the situation
- Over manufactured pictures that capture how "fun" and "exciting" you are, in an attempt to have people metaphorically jerk you off and tell you how you're so great just for being you
- Pictures of your cats

I have so many Facebook friends because I'm witty

Clearly there are two very alarming things that factor into this shit. There is both a serious case of over saturation and also a lack of any kind of creativity. People and their very common idea that every thought is worth recording, causes these kind of posts to be written. In response to that, one who wants to compete has to write drivel that is comparable to entomb the feeble minds of the sheep. Instead of rewarding thought provoking content and ideas that may include something that may offend, we are usually praised for creating, sorry, copying the same thing over and over again, on the notion that "if it works, bleed it til it's dry."

Obviously, no one should expect every text or status update should regard an important world issue; however at the same time, most of these posts should try to convey some kind of message that doesn't contain either "Y U NO ______" or a Nicki Minaj quote.***

***It should be noted by the way, that if you reside or were raised in a small town where the population is 90%+ white, you look ridiculous when you try to act like a gangster/rich girl from California/guido/guidette/dude-guy-bro. Liking some kind of stupid thing like that, does not automatically acclimate you into their diseased riddled culture (fortunately.)

The source of the problem, is that are society is too preoccupied with making everyone feel appreciated. No one is wrong and everyone is considered to be just as valuable as the next. Luckily, even though this design works relatively well to make sure that everyone just follows the same crap, there is a portion who are able to rise to the top and break away from the pack. There will always be a few who will realize that to live in mediocrity is stupid, even if it's easier. Those who create do not look to copy. They look to create and seek to birth new ideas.

You're not all beautiful.
You're not all smart.
You won't all be successful.

However, if you wake up and realize that if you work hard, try to do something worthwhile and stop expecting to be coddled, there is a good chance that you will at least be the third option. Do not sit around waiting for someone to come and hand you everything in life. But if you choose to, make sure you have a comfortable spot because you will be there for the rest of your life.

Why You Won't Survive The Zombie Apocalypse

Just a flesh wound...

The sky goes black. An eerie calm surrounds you. Then before you know it, light fills the sky. Explosions and screams fill the night. Silence comes once again; but not for long. As you gaze upon the wreckage you see hundreds, if not thousands of the walking undead fill the streets. Don’t worry though, you’ll be fine. You’ve got more AK-47’s than Osama’s compound, enough canned food to last for weeks and the determination and confidence that only a Westboro Baptist Church member could possess. The world is your zombie-killing oyster. How could they possibly stop you, Rambo? You’ve played Call of Duty since you ten! You had a 0.79 KDR in Modern Warfare 2! You’re a beast - a God among men!

Just kidding. You’re fucked like the rest of us. Get ready, because I’m about to blow a load of truth on your leg. Here are the top seven reasons for why you’ll be zombie-noms before you can scream “OH SEX DRAGON, TAKE ME NOW."



1. You’re a survivalist, white-trash, Call of Duty obsessed, twenty-seven year old who thinks that they can trek from Miami to Abbotsford carrying an assortment of weapons that even the U.S Army would be jealous of. Good luck travelling with all of that (also, why do you have all of this, Klebold?)

2. Back to your guns. Don’t you think that someone, even zombies would hear and see all of this? You can only fire off so many howitzer rounds before someone investigates. Not only will the undead want to take a bite out of your ass like I want to take one out of Kim Kardashian, but any other survivors will too. Sure, there will be some level of sanity. But you and I both know that there will be groups out there that will see this as the perfect chance to live out their Reaper (inFamous) fantasies without worry.

3. Food. Ah, great, you can blow Stockholm off the map… but you can’t eat. “But I decided to pack food, stupid!” Good for you. However, what happens when you eventually meet someone who hasn’t eaten in four days and has nothing to lose? You best be sharin’ mang. A month’s worth of canned tuna doesn’t help much when you’ve got to share with a crazed mob.

4. Hey I have a car, I can just drive wherever I want! Sure you can… until you run out of gas. Do you really think that many gas stations survived the catastrophic events that led half the nation to look like Lindsay Lohan after an eight-ball? Not to mention, you’re definitely going to stick out like a sore thumb for both zombies and asshole survivors alike.

5. “Well, I’m like Bin Laden – I smell, I’m on the no-fly zone and I live two miles from a major military base” (really the only part relevant here, sir.) That’s nice. However, you better think that they will have that bitch quarantined and ready to shoot anything bigger than a cockroach that even approaches. You would get lit up like the 4th of July if you even tried getting in.

6. “Zombies are slow, therefore, I can outrun them.” Well two problems. Firstly, what if they’re not all slow? What if some of them are runners? Secondly, zombies don’t feel the burn of running fifty feet to get another Pizza Pop from the microwave. While you’re muscles are calling you an asshole, you’re going to be a prime target for a zombie horde to make an honest man out of you. I hope you waxed your taint.

7. If you even so much as get bit by one of these douchetroopers, you’re fucked. Even if you don’t turn into a zombie, you’re going to get sick – really sick. Chances are pretty good that you’re not a doctor. In fact, I’m willing to bet that you’re not even smart. Don’t expect to make it far.


So what can you, the common civilian do to help yourself not die (so quickly?)

1. Travel lightly and with a small group (no more than five or six other people.)

2. I think we’ve established that guns are a bad idea. Do take something like a knife (good for defending yourself and insanely valuable for evening lines of coke, as well as making and cutting other things obviously.)

3. Stay the fuck out of largely populated areas. There will be fewer people and zombies in the countryside. A great bonus is that there will be vegetation and the possibility for natural defences like thick bush (lol) and jagged rocks that will slow/stop people from advancing on your position.

4. Don’t be caught wearing bright clothing if possible. If you’re in the middle of the street when this happens and you’re wearing a bright shirt, then I can’t blame you. Don’t run back to your house to change and take a shower – just book it like OJ on the interstate. However, if you’re just sitting there jerking off, finish and then change into those Army fatigues that your senile grandfather with the Confederate flag on his passengers seat window gave you.

5. Don’t expect to survive. No seriously, I’m not just being a dick. You’ll need to expect that death is creeping up on you at every instant. You’ll need to blend stealth and smarts to have any kind of hope to make it out alive.


Even with all of this advice, remember that you’ve still only got about a 0.00034% chance of surviving. Even then, I’m probably being generous.

Osama Bin Laden is Dead

Osama is dead! Bitch be gone!

Awesome. We've won the war. The troops can come home. Babies shall be made. Fathers and sons will watch baseball knowing all is well. Just kidding.

A short morale boost is all that this is. Great we've killed an aging figurehead who could barely piss without missing his own foot. Clearly as his health was dwindling HE was the one who was truly running the show. Wait, that sounds fucking retarded. That's because it is you idiots. By killing him, we've paved the way for a YOUNGER leader to take charge. He will be idolized and considered to be a martyr, a flagship for "the cause." Yes, in death he will be considered a god. A staple for groups who believe the West must end.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm upset that he's dead. Anytime that we can get rid of someone who is breathing my air, I'm happy. If that person just so happens to be a maniacal, radical fuck - bonus, I say. However, all these giddy people need a reality check. People seem to realize that when Castro dies, we will have to watch a younger, more power hungry person take over. Why can't someone realize it here? Subtract cigars and add turbans and we're playing on the same field (maybe add some American hating suicide bombers... whatever... if they hate us, they hate us.)

Just remember, we still have environmental issues, an aging population, new diseases, multiple nations who are passing us in many important categories, Octomom, a recession and plenty of other things to worry about. Oh wait, Osama Bin Laden is dead!? Sweet - everything's okay actually.

Stop Annoying Us

"AH AH AH YEEEES, FUCK! YES, FUCK, FUCK ME IN MY VAGINA! OH MY GOD I LIKE THE WAY THAT YOU'RE INSERTING YOUR PENIS, WHICH IS THE PRIMARY MALE SEX ORGAN INTO MY VAGINA!" - Tabitha Stevens, pornographic actress.

Like many, I enjoy the occasional jerk off session to some porn in my spare time. Again, like many there are certain things that I can't help but to notice. Now perhaps that opening quote is a tad... embellished, however it's not that far off from some of the things I've heard (sadly.) Listening to a legal prostitute scream in "pleasure" from having a dildo inserted ONCE into her ass is just plain stupid. By no means am I saying it's better to be like Helen Keller; I just want to jerk off and not feel like a bad person because the actress' IQ would legally qualify her to be mentally challenged. In this post, I will go over a few things that infuriate my penis like an entire package of Viagra.

Anuses: No, no, no, I'm not against the other (slightly less) white meat. Well, that is if it's the woman's. No, what I am against, is when I'm about to come and then they switch to missionary position. However, it's not the positions' fault - it's the dumbfuck director. Instead of filming the girl, they often do this stupid shot where they stand behind the dude. Essentially your boner gets deflated like a Firestone tire because you see about an inch and a half of the woman, and the full mass of the man's colon and sagging nutbag (one time I swear I was able to see a portion of his small intestine.) Silly me for expecting to see Nikki Rhodes. I definitely should have been expecting to watch Randy Spears' ballbag for half a movie.

Clear high heels: Okay, high heels are awesome. Let's be honest, if a woman is naturally an eight, she can easily seem like a nine or ten with a set of black heels and maybe a short skirt. Maybe she can even feel up the seemingly prude girl in the front of the classroom who is actually the sexiest girl if she'd just put her hair down and give in to her lesbia... I seem to have forgotten where I was going. The point is, clear heels are just horrible. Like I said before, we know that you're a legal hooker. You don't need to prove it with the overcompensating look. For God sakes... just stop with the clear heels.

Black women: Just kidding. Keep on doing what you do Lacey Duvalle.

Tenderizing your meat: Why the fuck do guys slap their dicks against the girls inner thighs, vagina or asses? It doesn't look attractive. If I wanted to see a dick bounce around I would look away from the computer screen and down at my crotch. Do they do it because blood flows to their member easier that way? Okay, let's say it does. But at the same time, having a hot chick put her lips around it works too. In fact that's what she's doing there. Neither of you are doing your job properly.

Retarded plots: "Miss, it appears that you're short by three cents. We can't sell you this can of Pepsi." Can you guess what happens next? "Well what if I suck your dick?" Yes. That is all we can muster up. I think this section basically explains itself.

"Can I have my pizza after this?"

Men talking: Now I know that this sounds ridiculous. Luckily, I don't give a shit. To the men of porn, I speak for the collective when I say that we don't want to hear you. Never. Ever. Never ever. You're simply a prop that ejaculates. Nothing more. This isn't your time to show your acting skills. This is a time for you to shut the fuck up and let the woman do what she's going to do.

Randy Spears: If I need to hear "HUYEEEEAHHYUHHHHHUUUUUUUUHHHGGGHHHH," before the scene is five minutes in I may snap. Seriously, retire.

In conclusion, I'm too lazy to write a conclusion. Fap on.

The Superbowl is Over

What a great game. The Packers win, confetti, beer commercials and 300 pound men tackling each over. Fuck I love football.


Do you know who else loves football? ALL OF YOUR FUCKING FACEBOOK FRIENDS. People who couldn't tell you who their favourite (oh motherfuckers, you know I mean that with air quotes of the highest order,) teams quarterback is or who go "LMAO, Green Bay is in Wisconsin? I totally heard about that place on that '70s Show!" The same people who say that their favourite team is the Colts one year and then the Patriots the next. Hell, if the Lions somehow make it to the dance next year you'll probably read, "You know, I knew they'd make it. Fucking knew it!" No you didn't Cletus. No. You. Didn't.

Look I get it. It's the big game. Millions are watching. The hype, the lights, oh God - THE CHEERLEADERS. But talk to Uncle Sex Dragon... do you really know what you're watching? Do you know why the big man kicks the ball to the over team after a touchdown or a field goal? No, you don't - and that's okay. Just don't be a stupid fuck who acts as though they've followed "their team" like an unemployed, former highschool, second string punter.

WOMEN - let's talk.

*Note: This next section MAY or may not be misogynistic. If you do not condone this, please leave this site... or get some bread. There are sammiches to be made.*

You're the worst ones of all. WE KNOW YOU DON'T WATCH FOOTBALL. We know the only exposure you have been... exposed to, is when you're nice and agree to play a quarter of Madden with your boyfriend and ask why you can't find Sidney Crosby on Pittsburgh's roster. You don't seem cute when you post "GO GREEN BAY" or "GO STEELERS" on your Facebook account from your iPhone two hours before the game. We all know you haven't watch a game of theirs all year. Just stop.

Women, you can rest now. I'm done with your part. Back to everyone.

It's even more obvious that you're just trying to seem trendy, since this is the only sport that you do this. You don't pick a team for the NBA playoffs, nor did I read dozens of "Go Giants" or "Go Rangers!" during the world series. Here in Canada at least, when you suddenly pick your new favourite team during the third round of the Stanley Cup playoffs, there is just a small chance that you're not full of shit. Even then, it's a tossup.

So why do we only see this bandwagon trend happen with football? It only takes one game - three hours to decide a winner. That's right. People are fucking lazy. They're too lazy to even pretend to support a team for a four to seven game series.



And with that - Go Pats. Read it here, because it won't be on my Facebook before next years Super Bowl game. Fuck the Jets, by the way.

Tyler Perry

...is not fucking funny.

If you watch Meet the Browns or Tyler Perry’s House of Payne… you’re an idiot and clearly you do not have a proper sense of what is and is not funny. Seriously, how the hell can someone watch his work without having a lobotomy beforehand? Meet the Browns has the comedic value of a condom but lacks the twenty minutes of enjoyment. Not to mention the father character sounds like he took a 3-Wood to the throat. You can make your own jokes about that last sentence.

As for the abortion known as Tyler Perry’s House of Payne, all I will comment on is the fact that one of the characters’ name is Malik. Malik. MALIK? FUCK. God dammit Perry, how the fuck did you get famous? You’re just about as stupid as your audien-… wait. That’s it! That is how you became famous! THE PEOPLE WHO WATCH YOUR SHOW ARE BRAINDEAD, MORONIC FUCKS.

I would just like to point out that his character selection is old, tired, moronic and slightly racist in a way. I mean, not that I care about racism that much, however if you haven’t noticed – the subtle racism/stereotyping is so prevalent that you can’t possibly miss it. In every movie and “sitcom” he has created, there are always:

• Sassy black lady
• Older sassy black lady
• P-whipped man
• Older, emasculated, pussy-whipped man

HOLY CUNTFUCKS HOW ORIGNAL.

EB Games and Sony: The Chronicle of Dicks

I love playing on my Playstation 3. I love playing games on it like Call of Duty 4, Grand Theft Auto IV, NHL 11, Bioshock 2, etc. However I've come to discover that for as much fun as it is, it's just as frustrating due to the frequency of which the games freeze up.

I bought the system around the first week of November and have had so many problems that it makes my head spin. Let's backtrack and list the bullshit...

1. Buy PS3 and a copy of Call of Duty: Black Ops.

2. End up with a Playstation that received the Yellow Light of Death within ten minutes of turning it on. Bonus points for having the game stuck inside.

3. Call EB Games to say that I am bringing it back.

4. Show up at the store where they tell me that they can give me a replacement PS3, however they cannot give me the game since they can't prove that it is actually inside the system. They tell me that they will have the game out and will phone me during the upcoming work week (so far all of this has happened on a Saturday.)

5. Of course they don't phone. I decide on Thursday to phone and see what is up. Nothing is up of course. Tell me to phone on Monday.

6. Monday - See step five and guess result...

7. Countless phone calls later and I finally get the game. After a month and a half of waiting and $75 I finally get it.

8. Bring it home, pop it in.

9. Fucking thing freezes after five minutes (if I'm lucky.)

10. Return it for a new copy since I thought it must be defective.

11. New copy freezes too. Assume it must be my Playstation.

12. Loathe technology. Realize irony. Masturbate profusely.


Fin.

Question Mark?

I find it really annoying when people end statements with question marks?

Seriously, Jesus fuck. Every time I go on my Facebook account (I'm not proud that I have one,) I always see some stunned girl write on a friends wall or update a status with one of the following, or similar lines:

"omg, ttc?"
"So drunjkkkkk?"
"Lost my cellphone? :S"

Hi bitch, I'm Facebook. I don't know if you lost your fucking cellphone. I'm a website. I don't know these things. Now, upload more half naked photos of yourselves. Commence.

I don't know, maybe it's just me. It just really pisses me off. Maybe I'm subconsciously a little bit of a misogynist. It seems like most of the idiocy regarding Facebook comes from the female user though. However, one thing is for certain: I hate people so god damn much.

You Defiantly Can't Spell

"lmao, look at this idiot! He can't even spell the title correctly! Trololol."

Fuck you cunt(s.) Learn what irony is. I can definitely spell "definitely." Too bad 88.6% of people cannot. It's not a difficult word. It's simply the word "definite," with an "ly" at the end.

There is no excuse for you morons to spell this word wrong, over and over and over. God damn, you should be shot if you're going to spell it incorrectly and then post it on a forum such as the iTunes review. That is shit that you can't change. Whenever I happen to stumble across a review of an album by a user and I see them write at a second grade level, my dick becomes hard with rage.

Also for those of you who are wondering why I visit the iTunes store when I should clearly be stealing music: I visit the store to sample the music (which is of better quality than that of Youtube uploads.) I then decide whether or not I like the piece, and proceed to find a suitable torrent. It's a very simple process really.

Anyways, back to my rant. I can't believe how many morons can't spell this simple word. Here are some bastardized versions of a simple, English word:

- Defiantly (For fucks sake, that's a different word altogether!!!)
- Deffently (Sound it out dickbag, it doesn't even sound remotely correct.)
- Defintly
- Deffiantly
- Definitly (E! The fucking "E!")
- Defantly (Seriously, when I saw this, I nearly punched my grandmother.)
- Definnitely
- Defentily

Honestly, these are all examples of what stupid people have written. Not just on Facebook or MSN, but I've seen idiots even submit them to teachers in their homework. Jesus Christ you fail.

Now in all fairness, up until grade nine, even I had occasional problems with the word. You know what I did to combat my own idiocy? I LOOKED IN A FUCKING DICTIONARY!

Learn to open a dictionary morons. Hell, you can literally use an internet dictionary. For Christ sakes, if you open Microsoft Word you can even type in "deffently" or whatever retarded way you think its spelled; and it will give you a little red line telling you: "You fucked up the spelling." From there you can highlight your fail, right-click and it will give you the CORRECT spelling. Use it fuckwads. Learn to spell an easy word.

I hate you all.

PS - Happy one month. Unlike the rest, you don't fail.

To Apple With Love

I woke up this morning. It was surprisingly cool outside for a June day. It was comfortable, I fell back asleep quickly. I then awoke again about two hours later. This time however, my neck was in intense fucking pain. It was as if Satan himself had inserted a fiery dick into my spine. In other words, my day wasn't going well.

Being the sly Devil that he is, Satan (do you see what I did there?) decided that he would screw with me just a little bit more. He decided that it would be cool to kick me in the Valerie Bertanelli's once more. See apparently it's cool to hide my precious iPod on me. I know it may sound trivial, but it's my baby. I would protect my sweet iPod with my life. The hunt was on.

As I climbed out of bed with the fury of a thousand Nam vets, I could hear the distinct bark of my neighbours' dog. I was thoroughly unimpressed. However I continued on my quest. I journeyed down the stairs. I looked at the couch in my living room. There was no iPod there. My heart skipped a beat. To the kitchen, I knew where I must go. I opened the fridge. Obviously I wasn't looking for my prized possession, I clearly was thirsty. Orange juice; the drink of Kings.

After my encounter with my citrusy friend, I walked lazily to the family room. There it was, in all of its overpriced glory. My iPod, I had found. I popped in my headphones and started to listen to one of my new favourite bands, Creedence Clearwater Revival. As the sweet melodies filled my ears, a couple of guys who were up to no good, started making trouble in my neighbourhood. I got in one little fight and my mom got scared, she said "you're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air."


PS - June 3rd. Great day.

Silly Slut, You're Not a Duck - You're a Slut!

To start things off, let's get a haiku up in this bitch.

Kill yourself now please,
Divide yourself by zero,
Prepare your anus.

Shakespeare was a classy devil if I do say so myself.


Anyways, this brings me to my inevitable rant. Today, let's cuntpunch a social disease. I'm sure you've guessed by now (if not read the title, dipshit,) that we're going to talk about "ducklips."

As defined by some guy on urbandictionary.com:

Ducklips -

Where one's lips look like a duck's bill(beak). Most scenefags [sic] make kissing faces while they take endless pictures of themselves and post them at various places on the internet. They think it looks really cool, but they actually look like an ugly ass duck. It looks really AWFUL, and makes me wan't [sic] to destroy the internet because so many people are doing it.


You see, I rather like this guy. I like his hateful spirit enough that I won't rip on his improper use of an apostrophe. However, I must say that it is not only "scenefags," who spread this mouth cancer around the internet. Oh, it's much worse. Every idiot with a Nikon does this. Apparently looking like you're in the middle of an enema is attractive, and guys will want you.

Here's a tip: I'm a guy. Trust me; we all think you look stupid. The only guy's who get a chub from seeing them are morons, and borderline furries. Needless to say, both groups are fucked beyond belief.

Look, I know that I'm not a model and no, I haven't taken any classes on fashion or anything, nut I think I can make a fair assessment of what makes someone look like an idiot. So with that being said, we must now try and figure out WHY, someone would intentionally try to make themselves look like they just sucked on *insert your own example here, ________________.

Personally I think it just comes down to people being insecure. A lot of people (and by this I mean teenage girls with a Facebook account,) feel like they're not pretty enough, or that people are judging them. Now, to be fair the latter is 100% true. I won't try to bullshit you by saying people aren't THAT shallow. I'm a realist, not a FOX reporter. On the other hand, a lot of these girls who make the duck-face, are actually pretty attractive. So why is it that the hot chicks are insecure? Is it due to their parents not giving them enough attention or something? LOL NO! It's actually because they're stupid. No seriously - it's that simple.

Fucking fuck. Just stop making making idiotic faces, okay? I swear you're mouth looks like an aliens asshole when you do it.


Also, watch these two videos SIMULTANEOUSLY. Your face will melt.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLx60TZ9_T8
http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=otphq5MuVqA

Alakazam is a King

Hello again, wenches. Now recently I've been pretty bored, and I tried to get back into one of my favourite games of all time: Pokemon Crystal.

Now, if you know anything about Pokemon, you know two things:

- Anything after generation 2, has AIDS
- Mr. Mime is a rapist

Now there are many Pokemon that people think are the best. These often include:

- Mewtwo, Gyarados, Machamp, Ho-Oh, Zapdos, Gengar, Charizard, Blastoise, Nidoking, etc.

Now, these guys are all epic. Hell, Mewtwo and I would would probably chill if he wasn't so awesome and badass. However, there is one Pokemon that I consider to be a King and his name is, Alakazam.

According to Bulbapedia,

"Alakazam is characterized by its human-like structure and its fox-like appearance."

Hmmm, "...human-like structure and its fox-like appearance." Who does that sound like? Oh that's right, MEGAN FOX. Holy mother of FUCK.

Now if that's not enough to make you make sweet monkey love to a USB slot in your computer, this will.

"It is said that Alakazam is known to have mastered every type and form of psychic ability, including, but not limited to, telekinesis, telepathy, ESP, psionic abilities, levitation, defensive techniques, mind control, and telekinetic blasts. Alakazam are said to have excellent memory and can remember everything that it has experienced upon hatching as an Abra, and has an IQ that exceeds 5,000, making it the most intelligent non-legendary Pokémon. Alakazam, and its pre-evolution, Kadabra, are the only known Pokémon that learn Kinesis... Each Alakazam carries two spoons everywhere it goes. These spoons are said to increase this Pokémon's psychic ability greatly."

To summarize, Alakazam is a KING. He's smarter than Ken Jennings and Stephen Hawking put in a blender, and he has mind control!

OH, and also,

He carries two fucking spoons!!! How clutch is that? You and your lady are about to eat some ice cream. She's lookin' fine. BUT OH NO! Your dumb ass didn't bring her a spoon! But wait... trusty Alakazam has one she can use, plus one for himself, because his psychic ass knew you'd fuck up! What a guy. You best be watching your back, because if I was your lady, I'd be letting him... I'll stop.

Seriously though. He's awesome as hell. He gets virtually no recognition, and is underrated. Does he complain? No. He's awesome. Fuck that actually. Alakazam AND Mewtwo are the true Kings. They've both got a manly shade of purple too by the way. Holy shit, my mind is blown.

I Don't Care About Haiti. I Just Don't Care.

I was wandering around my house when I heard something on my television. No, it was not another fucking Jonas Brothers music video, nor was it an idiotic, over dramatized FOX report on Barack Obama (and how he is apparently some kind of God.) It was in fact ANOTHER FUCKING HAITI UPDATE.

Now, I may seem like a total asshole for saying this, but fuck you. I don't care -

I could give less than two shits about Haiti. I didn't care before, and I certainly do not care right now. Sure, it's sad that people died and that many homes and lives were ruined, but it's also sad that I have to hear some moronic reporter telling me about it each day.

Speaking of people whose dad should have worn a condom, what the fuck is with all of these people adopting all of these kids? I mean, I understand they have good intentions, but what about all of the children in Canada that are in foster homes? What the fuck does that tell them? Here's what is says you dolt's:

"Look, we understand that you don't have parents. However there are kid's from a country that we hadn't heard of until today, that don't have parents now either. You see it makes more sense to adopt a kid who doesn't understand our language or customs than it does to look after you. Well hopefully you see it the same way that we do.

PS - If it's any consolation, with the increase of Haitian-Canadians, our soccer team should be able to compete at a higher level in a few years."

Well, fuck. Doesn't that make you wonder why people are so stupid? No, that's right. You're probably just some dumbass who put in an order for a fresh Bijou or Agwe. However if you're not one of these people, I congratulate you for not being a A TOTAL IDIOT.

Just think, if something like this happened in the United States, half of the world would probably create a long-weekend holiday to commemorate the event - and no, I'm not implying that they would do this in Haiti. You know where I mean. Fuckers.

WTF Post

Why do people do things that are so FUCKING STUPID?

For instance, why do pornstars have Twitter accounts? No one cares what you have to say. Now bang me. Thanks.

Why don't we just assassinate Kim Jong Il? I mean, he's fucking crazy, and everyone hates him. His pansy-ass staff wouldn't do shit afterwards, anyways.

Some dumb bitch in my Marketing class today had an answer to a question. The answer was $48,800 (Forty-eight thousand, eight-hundred.) She literally read it as "four, eight, eight, zero, zero." When the teacher was like "lolwut," she replied that she "wasn't very good at reading out numbers [Sic]."

I consistently have an 80+ average in University level courses (not amazing but well above most of my peers,)... and that is an example of one of my classmates. Man the fucking harpoons.

Now, here's more bullshit that pisses me right the fuck off:

Women flock to the dude that played Edward Cullen... need I say more.

People don't appreciate the show "Whose Line is it Anyway?" like they should. People are fucking stupid.

Fleshlights are too damn expensive in my humble opinion.

People rip on Tiger Woods because he banged Holly Sampson and Joslyn James. Those are too hot and slutty pornstars. I for one, congratulate the man. Needless to say, I'd happily put my penis in both of their vaginas. I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic...

The Ottawa Senators continue to keep Matt Carkner on defence as the playoffs near... good luck morons.

Toronto: Finishing 2010

Well back in October I outlined how the Toronto Maple Leafs...

Oh, Phil Kessel just scored on a power play against San Jose.. 2-2 game in the second now. lolololol Kessel is awesome.

Anyways, at the beginning of the year I praised Brian Burke for improving the Leafs' roster. He added Francois Beauchemin, Mike Komisarek, Garnet Exelby, Phil Kessel, Wayne Primeau, Rickard Wallin, Colton Orr and goalie, Jonas Gustavsson.

After those acquisitions I thought that we would have a good enough team to contend for one one the last playoff spots in the East. It's hard to blame me though seeing as we had young promising players like Stajan, Ian White, Kulemin, Schenn and Ponikarovski. Not to be forgotten are the veterans which include(d) the likes of Tomas Kaberle, Mayers, Jason Blake and Hagman.

I said that I thought our biggest weakness would be our goalkeeping and I was not wrong. Although Gustavsson is our goalie of the future, he still is adjusting to life in the NHL. So far he has played well for a first year player, but certainly not good enough to carry a team. On the other hand, I was hoping that Vesa Toskala would be able to rebound of his injuries plagued '09 season. This was certainly, not the case though.

Well as February rolled around, the Leafs looked awful. Toskala was having trouble stopping beach balls, Wallin still hadn't scored a goal, Kessel was slumping, Komisarek was injured, Grabovski was injured and it looked like the Boston Bruins would end up with the first or second overall pick in the NHL entry draft.

Then out of nowhere Brian Burke made my head explode. I wake up around 10am on Sunday morning to open my Facebook. I happen to see the status update of a good friend that said:

"omg peace Toskala"

I sat there and was like... hmmm, maybe they they put him on waivers and Joey MacDonald will be our backup from now on. Then I scrolled down the page to see someone else's post that read:

"Phaneuf and Giguere not bad"

Naturally I concluded that Calgary and Anaheim had made some sort of three team blockbuster so I decided to check it out.

What happened next blew my mind.

I opened nhl.com to see the headline confirming that Burke had made a trade with Phaneuf, and a trade with Anaheim.

I proceeded to jizz in my pants.

Dion Pheneuf, Fredrik Sjostrom and Keith Aulie had been traded to the Leafs for Jamal Mayers, Niklas Hagman as well as Matt Stajan and Ian White (two of my favourite Leafs for some time.) In fact I had envisioned Stajan to become the captain of the Leafs one day.

Then, I saw we had finally gotten Jean-Sebastian Giguere from the Ducks for Vesa Toskala and Jason Blake. Although it wasn't anything personal with Blake and Toskala I was ecstatic to see them gone. If my memory serves me, I believe they combined for about $7 million dollars, 11 goals and a 3.88 GAA. Not exactly worth the bucks am I right?

So now my team looked something like this:


** - Often healthy scratches or splitting time with Marlies
*** - Injured


P. Kessel
T. Bozak**
M. Grabovski***
W. Primeau***
R. Wallin
L. Stempniak
C. Orr
N. Kulemin
F. Sjostrom
A. Ponikarovsky
J. Rosehill**
J. Mitchell
C. Hanson**
V. Stalberg**

F. Beauchemin
D. Phaneuf
T. Kaberle
L. Schenn
M. Van Ryn***
J. Finger**
C. Gunarsson**
G. Exelby

J. Giguere
J. Gustavsson


Missing young players who had split time between the Marlies and the Leafs last year are:


Jiri Tlusty (Traded to Carolina)
Robbie Earl (Traded to Minnesota)
Justin Pogge (Traded to Anaheim)
Kris Newbury (Signed with Detroit)


I predicted that Toskala would be traded and Nazem Kadri would be debuting around the All-Star break. Well, Toskala was traded last weekend, and Kadri made his NHL debut in the Leafs' loss tonight (3-2.)

Unfortunately this season has been pretty bad. It is however improving vastly, and makes me definitely excited for next year.

I'll be bold once again and just name the players who I don't believe will be around next year. Other than these players, I expect everyone else to wear the blue and white.


Ponikarovski (Traded at deadline to either Pittsburgh, Phoenix, or Colorado)
Stempniak (Traded at deadline to either Pittsburgh, Phoenix or Colorado)
Kaberle (Traded during summer to either Chicago, Los Angeles or Dallas)
Exelby (Traded at deadline to either Chicago or will simply not resign at the end of the year)
Finger (Traded at deadline to either Washington, Carolina, Florida or will be bought out at years end)


All in all, I like the direction that we're going in and I think that Burke has done a good job so far. I wouldn't be too surprised to see the likes of a Paul Kariya, Matthew Lombardi or Colby Armstrong in a Leafs uniform next year. To all of you who complained about trading for Giguere... I told you he was still pretty good.

Two shutouts in his first two games. One against New Jersey and the second against Ottawa which snapped the Sens' ten game winning streak. Tonight he let in three goals against the second best team in the league. He's definitely given our team a chance to win each time, against very tough opponents.

My Head Hurts

So I'm lurking the interwebs, and I see two links. The person who provided them claimed that these were the worst two groups IN THE WORLD. Well, I found this quite hard to believe. I mean look at the shit who is out there already:

-Miley Cyrus
-The Jonas Brothers
-Ke$ha
-Owl City
-Hollywood Undead
-Lady GaGa
-Soulja Boy
-Justin Bieber
-Stereos
-Hedley

Well, we all know there are more, but I'm to lazy to type all of this shit down. Anyways though, let's get back to my story shall we?

So the two links sent me to two groups. One was a girl group called: "Millionaires." Even by the group name I could tell my day was going to take a turn for the worse.

The second group consisted of males (theoretically,) and was called "Brokencyde." Well, the name sounded a bit stupid, but so does "Dropkick Murphy's," or "36 Crazyfists," and they're both pretty good bands.

So as I load the two videos, I instantly notice a few things that they share:

-Both groups look like ridiculous scene/hipster assholes.
-The song names are ridiculously stupid.
-The group names are ridiculously stupid.
-The comments below the video were ridiculously stupid.
-AUTOTUNE, AUTOTUNE and more AUTO-FUCKING-TUNAGE.


After watching about one minute of each video, I instantly felt the need to smash my laptop against my wall. However I soon realized that I love her, and decided to cry into a pillow instead.

These videos should be enough to either convert you to good music, kill yourself, reinforce your feelings of love towards metal/rock, or make you hurt innocent things.

Here are the links:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruTqtbiLNAU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMdAbLVdx5U


If you have the balls to make it through the end of this task, I will be more than happy to call you a God.




Tolerance to Shit Game

Easy Mode: 10 seconds.
Normal Mode: 20 seconds.
Hard Mode: 40 seconds.
Extreme Mode: 1 minute, 30 seconds.
"I've had a lobotomy" Mode: 2 minutes.
GOD MODE: Watch that entire fucking video.

You only have to do this for ONE video. Making you watch both would just be mean. You must watch the video and listen simultaneously. Listening with your eyes closed is an instant disqualification.

Good luck you brave motherfuckers.