Like many, I enjoy the occasional jerk off session to some porn in my spare time. Again, like many there are certain things that I can't help but to notice. Now perhaps that opening quote is a tad... embellished, however it's not that far off from some of the things I've heard (sadly.) Listening to a legal prostitute scream in "pleasure" from having a dildo inserted ONCE into her ass is just plain stupid. By no means am I saying it's better to be like Helen Keller; I just want to jerk off and not feel like a bad person because the actress' IQ would legally qualify her to be mentally challenged. In this post, I will go over a few things that infuriate my penis like an entire package of Viagra.
Anuses: No, no, no, I'm not against the other (slightly less) white meat. Well, that is if it's the woman's. No, what I am against, is when I'm about to come and then they switch to missionary position. However, it's not the positions' fault - it's the dumbfuck director. Instead of filming the girl, they often do this stupid shot where they stand behind the dude. Essentially your boner gets deflated like a Firestone tire because you see about an inch and a half of the woman, and the full mass of the man's colon and sagging nutbag (one time I swear I was able to see a portion of his small intestine.) Silly me for expecting to see Nikki Rhodes. I definitely should have been expecting to watch Randy Spears' ballbag for half a movie.
Clear high heels: Okay, high heels are awesome. Let's be honest, if a woman is naturally an eight, she can easily seem like a nine or ten with a set of black heels and maybe a short skirt. Maybe she can even feel up the seemingly prude girl in the front of the classroom who is actually the sexiest girl if she'd just put her hair down and give in to her lesbia... I seem to have forgotten where I was going. The point is, clear heels are just horrible. Like I said before, we know that you're a legal hooker. You don't need to prove it with the overcompensating look. For God sakes... just stop with the clear heels.
Black women: Just kidding. Keep on doing what you do Lacey Duvalle.
Tenderizing your meat: Why the fuck do guys slap their dicks against the girls inner thighs, vagina or asses? It doesn't look attractive. If I wanted to see a dick bounce around I would look away from the computer screen and down at my crotch. Do they do it because blood flows to their member easier that way? Okay, let's say it does. But at the same time, having a hot chick put her lips around it works too. In fact that's what she's doing there. Neither of you are doing your job properly.
Retarded plots: "Miss, it appears that you're short by three cents. We can't sell you this can of Pepsi." Can you guess what happens next? "Well what if I suck your dick?" Yes. That is all we can muster up. I think this section basically explains itself.
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| "Can I have my pizza after this?" |
Men talking: Now I know that this sounds ridiculous. Luckily, I don't give a shit. To the men of porn, I speak for the collective when I say that we don't want to hear you. Never. Ever. Never ever. You're simply a prop that ejaculates. Nothing more. This isn't your time to show your acting skills. This is a time for you to shut the fuck up and let the woman do what she's going to do.
Randy Spears: If I need to hear "HUYEEEEAHHYUHHHHHUUUUUUUUHHHGGGHHHH," before the scene is five minutes in I may snap. Seriously, retire.
In conclusion, I'm too lazy to write a conclusion. Fap on.
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