Depression

I should begin this by saying that this post is not meant to be whiny or anything of the sorts. It's really just meant to be something that the one or two people who read this can relate to. Anyways, I'll begin...

Every day waking up truly feels like a chore. Colours are dull, eating is a hassle, jokes aren't funny and every hour spent awake feels like a week. Even things you previously loved to do can begin to feel mundane and bothersome. It's like there's a void; an empty chasm. A lot of people think it's easy to rectify; "go out, it's simple!" They don't understand that there is a severe catch 22. When you're sad, you don't want to go out; it's tiresome, a burden even. Don't get me wrong, there are many people who claimed to be depressed, but in reality are just bored or want attention; they've got their own issues. Those are the people that the "just go out" advice will have a better chance at finding happiness. I've dealt with it for so long that I honestly cannot remember the last time I felt happy. My guess would be that it was around a year and a half ago. Unfortunately it was short. Before that, I had spent about nine or ten months being pretty satisfied with things. Sure, life wasn't perfect, but it was manageable. I even had one thing in my life that made me incredibly happy, but now I can't recall the feeling; only the vague memory that things were better.

My memory is rapidly getting worse. I notice that I feel slow and that I'm hardly able to be articulate around people anymore. School is a fucking train wreck and I'd do anything to have just never enrolled. I don't really care about my well being, although I do make a point not to let that show with friends or family members. The other week or so, I was jumped while walking home late at night. My reaction was to fight back, obviously, but the concerning part was that I wasn't scared at all. I don't mean to phrase that as if I'm some pseudo-badass or anything. What I mean is that I couldn't have really cared too much. I mean sure, if I had of gotten stabbed or something, I'm sure I would have freaked out a bit, but after the incident I felt calm and I know that can't be a healthy response. It's a real motherfucker for sure, depression, I mean. I understand why people kill themselves to be honest. If I had the means, I'd likely be a part of an unfortunate statistic by now. Like I said in the beginning, this isn't meant to help or hurt anyone, but rather to be relatable to someone. However, it's most likely going to be nothing more than another drop in the ocean that is the Internet.