Why You Won't Survive The Zombie Apocalypse

Just a flesh wound...

The sky goes black. An eerie calm surrounds you. Then before you know it, light fills the sky. Explosions and screams fill the night. Silence comes once again; but not for long. As you gaze upon the wreckage you see hundreds, if not thousands of the walking undead fill the streets. Don’t worry though, you’ll be fine. You’ve got more AK-47’s than Osama’s compound, enough canned food to last for weeks and the determination and confidence that only a Westboro Baptist Church member could possess. The world is your zombie-killing oyster. How could they possibly stop you, Rambo? You’ve played Call of Duty since you ten! You had a 0.79 KDR in Modern Warfare 2! You’re a beast - a God among men!

Just kidding. You’re fucked like the rest of us. Get ready, because I’m about to blow a load of truth on your leg. Here are the top seven reasons for why you’ll be zombie-noms before you can scream “OH SEX DRAGON, TAKE ME NOW."



1. You’re a survivalist, white-trash, Call of Duty obsessed, twenty-seven year old who thinks that they can trek from Miami to Abbotsford carrying an assortment of weapons that even the U.S Army would be jealous of. Good luck travelling with all of that (also, why do you have all of this, Klebold?)

2. Back to your guns. Don’t you think that someone, even zombies would hear and see all of this? You can only fire off so many howitzer rounds before someone investigates. Not only will the undead want to take a bite out of your ass like I want to take one out of Kim Kardashian, but any other survivors will too. Sure, there will be some level of sanity. But you and I both know that there will be groups out there that will see this as the perfect chance to live out their Reaper (inFamous) fantasies without worry.

3. Food. Ah, great, you can blow Stockholm off the map… but you can’t eat. “But I decided to pack food, stupid!” Good for you. However, what happens when you eventually meet someone who hasn’t eaten in four days and has nothing to lose? You best be sharin’ mang. A month’s worth of canned tuna doesn’t help much when you’ve got to share with a crazed mob.

4. Hey I have a car, I can just drive wherever I want! Sure you can… until you run out of gas. Do you really think that many gas stations survived the catastrophic events that led half the nation to look like Lindsay Lohan after an eight-ball? Not to mention, you’re definitely going to stick out like a sore thumb for both zombies and asshole survivors alike.

5. “Well, I’m like Bin Laden – I smell, I’m on the no-fly zone and I live two miles from a major military base” (really the only part relevant here, sir.) That’s nice. However, you better think that they will have that bitch quarantined and ready to shoot anything bigger than a cockroach that even approaches. You would get lit up like the 4th of July if you even tried getting in.

6. “Zombies are slow, therefore, I can outrun them.” Well two problems. Firstly, what if they’re not all slow? What if some of them are runners? Secondly, zombies don’t feel the burn of running fifty feet to get another Pizza Pop from the microwave. While you’re muscles are calling you an asshole, you’re going to be a prime target for a zombie horde to make an honest man out of you. I hope you waxed your taint.

7. If you even so much as get bit by one of these douchetroopers, you’re fucked. Even if you don’t turn into a zombie, you’re going to get sick – really sick. Chances are pretty good that you’re not a doctor. In fact, I’m willing to bet that you’re not even smart. Don’t expect to make it far.


So what can you, the common civilian do to help yourself not die (so quickly?)

1. Travel lightly and with a small group (no more than five or six other people.)

2. I think we’ve established that guns are a bad idea. Do take something like a knife (good for defending yourself and insanely valuable for evening lines of coke, as well as making and cutting other things obviously.)

3. Stay the fuck out of largely populated areas. There will be fewer people and zombies in the countryside. A great bonus is that there will be vegetation and the possibility for natural defences like thick bush (lol) and jagged rocks that will slow/stop people from advancing on your position.

4. Don’t be caught wearing bright clothing if possible. If you’re in the middle of the street when this happens and you’re wearing a bright shirt, then I can’t blame you. Don’t run back to your house to change and take a shower – just book it like OJ on the interstate. However, if you’re just sitting there jerking off, finish and then change into those Army fatigues that your senile grandfather with the Confederate flag on his passengers seat window gave you.

5. Don’t expect to survive. No seriously, I’m not just being a dick. You’ll need to expect that death is creeping up on you at every instant. You’ll need to blend stealth and smarts to have any kind of hope to make it out alive.


Even with all of this advice, remember that you’ve still only got about a 0.00034% chance of surviving. Even then, I’m probably being generous.

Osama Bin Laden is Dead

Osama is dead! Bitch be gone!

Awesome. We've won the war. The troops can come home. Babies shall be made. Fathers and sons will watch baseball knowing all is well. Just kidding.

A short morale boost is all that this is. Great we've killed an aging figurehead who could barely piss without missing his own foot. Clearly as his health was dwindling HE was the one who was truly running the show. Wait, that sounds fucking retarded. That's because it is you idiots. By killing him, we've paved the way for a YOUNGER leader to take charge. He will be idolized and considered to be a martyr, a flagship for "the cause." Yes, in death he will be considered a god. A staple for groups who believe the West must end.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm upset that he's dead. Anytime that we can get rid of someone who is breathing my air, I'm happy. If that person just so happens to be a maniacal, radical fuck - bonus, I say. However, all these giddy people need a reality check. People seem to realize that when Castro dies, we will have to watch a younger, more power hungry person take over. Why can't someone realize it here? Subtract cigars and add turbans and we're playing on the same field (maybe add some American hating suicide bombers... whatever... if they hate us, they hate us.)

Just remember, we still have environmental issues, an aging population, new diseases, multiple nations who are passing us in many important categories, Octomom, a recession and plenty of other things to worry about. Oh wait, Osama Bin Laden is dead!? Sweet - everything's okay actually.

Stop Annoying Us

"AH AH AH YEEEES, FUCK! YES, FUCK, FUCK ME IN MY VAGINA! OH MY GOD I LIKE THE WAY THAT YOU'RE INSERTING YOUR PENIS, WHICH IS THE PRIMARY MALE SEX ORGAN INTO MY VAGINA!" - Tabitha Stevens, pornographic actress.

Like many, I enjoy the occasional jerk off session to some porn in my spare time. Again, like many there are certain things that I can't help but to notice. Now perhaps that opening quote is a tad... embellished, however it's not that far off from some of the things I've heard (sadly.) Listening to a legal prostitute scream in "pleasure" from having a dildo inserted ONCE into her ass is just plain stupid. By no means am I saying it's better to be like Helen Keller; I just want to jerk off and not feel like a bad person because the actress' IQ would legally qualify her to be mentally challenged. In this post, I will go over a few things that infuriate my penis like an entire package of Viagra.

Anuses: No, no, no, I'm not against the other (slightly less) white meat. Well, that is if it's the woman's. No, what I am against, is when I'm about to come and then they switch to missionary position. However, it's not the positions' fault - it's the dumbfuck director. Instead of filming the girl, they often do this stupid shot where they stand behind the dude. Essentially your boner gets deflated like a Firestone tire because you see about an inch and a half of the woman, and the full mass of the man's colon and sagging nutbag (one time I swear I was able to see a portion of his small intestine.) Silly me for expecting to see Nikki Rhodes. I definitely should have been expecting to watch Randy Spears' ballbag for half a movie.

Clear high heels: Okay, high heels are awesome. Let's be honest, if a woman is naturally an eight, she can easily seem like a nine or ten with a set of black heels and maybe a short skirt. Maybe she can even feel up the seemingly prude girl in the front of the classroom who is actually the sexiest girl if she'd just put her hair down and give in to her lesbia... I seem to have forgotten where I was going. The point is, clear heels are just horrible. Like I said before, we know that you're a legal hooker. You don't need to prove it with the overcompensating look. For God sakes... just stop with the clear heels.

Black women: Just kidding. Keep on doing what you do Lacey Duvalle.

Tenderizing your meat: Why the fuck do guys slap their dicks against the girls inner thighs, vagina or asses? It doesn't look attractive. If I wanted to see a dick bounce around I would look away from the computer screen and down at my crotch. Do they do it because blood flows to their member easier that way? Okay, let's say it does. But at the same time, having a hot chick put her lips around it works too. In fact that's what she's doing there. Neither of you are doing your job properly.

Retarded plots: "Miss, it appears that you're short by three cents. We can't sell you this can of Pepsi." Can you guess what happens next? "Well what if I suck your dick?" Yes. That is all we can muster up. I think this section basically explains itself.

"Can I have my pizza after this?"

Men talking: Now I know that this sounds ridiculous. Luckily, I don't give a shit. To the men of porn, I speak for the collective when I say that we don't want to hear you. Never. Ever. Never ever. You're simply a prop that ejaculates. Nothing more. This isn't your time to show your acting skills. This is a time for you to shut the fuck up and let the woman do what she's going to do.

Randy Spears: If I need to hear "HUYEEEEAHHYUHHHHHUUUUUUUUHHHGGGHHHH," before the scene is five minutes in I may snap. Seriously, retire.

In conclusion, I'm too lazy to write a conclusion. Fap on.

The Superbowl is Over

What a great game. The Packers win, confetti, beer commercials and 300 pound men tackling each over. Fuck I love football.


Do you know who else loves football? ALL OF YOUR FUCKING FACEBOOK FRIENDS. People who couldn't tell you who their favourite (oh motherfuckers, you know I mean that with air quotes of the highest order,) teams quarterback is or who go "LMAO, Green Bay is in Wisconsin? I totally heard about that place on that '70s Show!" The same people who say that their favourite team is the Colts one year and then the Patriots the next. Hell, if the Lions somehow make it to the dance next year you'll probably read, "You know, I knew they'd make it. Fucking knew it!" No you didn't Cletus. No. You. Didn't.

Look I get it. It's the big game. Millions are watching. The hype, the lights, oh God - THE CHEERLEADERS. But talk to Uncle Sex Dragon... do you really know what you're watching? Do you know why the big man kicks the ball to the over team after a touchdown or a field goal? No, you don't - and that's okay. Just don't be a stupid fuck who acts as though they've followed "their team" like an unemployed, former highschool, second string punter.

WOMEN - let's talk.

*Note: This next section MAY or may not be misogynistic. If you do not condone this, please leave this site... or get some bread. There are sammiches to be made.*

You're the worst ones of all. WE KNOW YOU DON'T WATCH FOOTBALL. We know the only exposure you have been... exposed to, is when you're nice and agree to play a quarter of Madden with your boyfriend and ask why you can't find Sidney Crosby on Pittsburgh's roster. You don't seem cute when you post "GO GREEN BAY" or "GO STEELERS" on your Facebook account from your iPhone two hours before the game. We all know you haven't watch a game of theirs all year. Just stop.

Women, you can rest now. I'm done with your part. Back to everyone.

It's even more obvious that you're just trying to seem trendy, since this is the only sport that you do this. You don't pick a team for the NBA playoffs, nor did I read dozens of "Go Giants" or "Go Rangers!" during the world series. Here in Canada at least, when you suddenly pick your new favourite team during the third round of the Stanley Cup playoffs, there is just a small chance that you're not full of shit. Even then, it's a tossup.

So why do we only see this bandwagon trend happen with football? It only takes one game - three hours to decide a winner. That's right. People are fucking lazy. They're too lazy to even pretend to support a team for a four to seven game series.



And with that - Go Pats. Read it here, because it won't be on my Facebook before next years Super Bowl game. Fuck the Jets, by the way.

Tyler Perry

...is not fucking funny.

If you watch Meet the Browns or Tyler Perry’s House of Payne… you’re an idiot and clearly you do not have a proper sense of what is and is not funny. Seriously, how the hell can someone watch his work without having a lobotomy beforehand? Meet the Browns has the comedic value of a condom but lacks the twenty minutes of enjoyment. Not to mention the father character sounds like he took a 3-Wood to the throat. You can make your own jokes about that last sentence.

As for the abortion known as Tyler Perry’s House of Payne, all I will comment on is the fact that one of the characters’ name is Malik. Malik. MALIK? FUCK. God dammit Perry, how the fuck did you get famous? You’re just about as stupid as your audien-… wait. That’s it! That is how you became famous! THE PEOPLE WHO WATCH YOUR SHOW ARE BRAINDEAD, MORONIC FUCKS.

I would just like to point out that his character selection is old, tired, moronic and slightly racist in a way. I mean, not that I care about racism that much, however if you haven’t noticed – the subtle racism/stereotyping is so prevalent that you can’t possibly miss it. In every movie and “sitcom” he has created, there are always:

• Sassy black lady
• Older sassy black lady
• P-whipped man
• Older, emasculated, pussy-whipped man

HOLY CUNTFUCKS HOW ORIGNAL.