Alakazam is a King

Hello again, wenches. Now recently I've been pretty bored, and I tried to get back into one of my favourite games of all time: Pokemon Crystal.

Now, if you know anything about Pokemon, you know two things:

- Anything after generation 2, has AIDS
- Mr. Mime is a rapist

Now there are many Pokemon that people think are the best. These often include:

- Mewtwo, Gyarados, Machamp, Ho-Oh, Zapdos, Gengar, Charizard, Blastoise, Nidoking, etc.

Now, these guys are all epic. Hell, Mewtwo and I would would probably chill if he wasn't so awesome and badass. However, there is one Pokemon that I consider to be a King and his name is, Alakazam.

According to Bulbapedia,

"Alakazam is characterized by its human-like structure and its fox-like appearance."

Hmmm, "...human-like structure and its fox-like appearance." Who does that sound like? Oh that's right, MEGAN FOX. Holy mother of FUCK.

Now if that's not enough to make you make sweet monkey love to a USB slot in your computer, this will.

"It is said that Alakazam is known to have mastered every type and form of psychic ability, including, but not limited to, telekinesis, telepathy, ESP, psionic abilities, levitation, defensive techniques, mind control, and telekinetic blasts. Alakazam are said to have excellent memory and can remember everything that it has experienced upon hatching as an Abra, and has an IQ that exceeds 5,000, making it the most intelligent non-legendary Pokémon. Alakazam, and its pre-evolution, Kadabra, are the only known Pokémon that learn Kinesis... Each Alakazam carries two spoons everywhere it goes. These spoons are said to increase this Pokémon's psychic ability greatly."

To summarize, Alakazam is a KING. He's smarter than Ken Jennings and Stephen Hawking put in a blender, and he has mind control!

OH, and also,

He carries two fucking spoons!!! How clutch is that? You and your lady are about to eat some ice cream. She's lookin' fine. BUT OH NO! Your dumb ass didn't bring her a spoon! But wait... trusty Alakazam has one she can use, plus one for himself, because his psychic ass knew you'd fuck up! What a guy. You best be watching your back, because if I was your lady, I'd be letting him... I'll stop.

Seriously though. He's awesome as hell. He gets virtually no recognition, and is underrated. Does he complain? No. He's awesome. Fuck that actually. Alakazam AND Mewtwo are the true Kings. They've both got a manly shade of purple too by the way. Holy shit, my mind is blown.

I Don't Care About Haiti. I Just Don't Care.

I was wandering around my house when I heard something on my television. No, it was not another fucking Jonas Brothers music video, nor was it an idiotic, over dramatized FOX report on Barack Obama (and how he is apparently some kind of God.) It was in fact ANOTHER FUCKING HAITI UPDATE.

Now, I may seem like a total asshole for saying this, but fuck you. I don't care -

I could give less than two shits about Haiti. I didn't care before, and I certainly do not care right now. Sure, it's sad that people died and that many homes and lives were ruined, but it's also sad that I have to hear some moronic reporter telling me about it each day.

Speaking of people whose dad should have worn a condom, what the fuck is with all of these people adopting all of these kids? I mean, I understand they have good intentions, but what about all of the children in Canada that are in foster homes? What the fuck does that tell them? Here's what is says you dolt's:

"Look, we understand that you don't have parents. However there are kid's from a country that we hadn't heard of until today, that don't have parents now either. You see it makes more sense to adopt a kid who doesn't understand our language or customs than it does to look after you. Well hopefully you see it the same way that we do.

PS - If it's any consolation, with the increase of Haitian-Canadians, our soccer team should be able to compete at a higher level in a few years."

Well, fuck. Doesn't that make you wonder why people are so stupid? No, that's right. You're probably just some dumbass who put in an order for a fresh Bijou or Agwe. However if you're not one of these people, I congratulate you for not being a A TOTAL IDIOT.

Just think, if something like this happened in the United States, half of the world would probably create a long-weekend holiday to commemorate the event - and no, I'm not implying that they would do this in Haiti. You know where I mean. Fuckers.