The Superbowl is Over

What a great game. The Packers win, confetti, beer commercials and 300 pound men tackling each over. Fuck I love football.


Do you know who else loves football? ALL OF YOUR FUCKING FACEBOOK FRIENDS. People who couldn't tell you who their favourite (oh motherfuckers, you know I mean that with air quotes of the highest order,) teams quarterback is or who go "LMAO, Green Bay is in Wisconsin? I totally heard about that place on that '70s Show!" The same people who say that their favourite team is the Colts one year and then the Patriots the next. Hell, if the Lions somehow make it to the dance next year you'll probably read, "You know, I knew they'd make it. Fucking knew it!" No you didn't Cletus. No. You. Didn't.

Look I get it. It's the big game. Millions are watching. The hype, the lights, oh God - THE CHEERLEADERS. But talk to Uncle Sex Dragon... do you really know what you're watching? Do you know why the big man kicks the ball to the over team after a touchdown or a field goal? No, you don't - and that's okay. Just don't be a stupid fuck who acts as though they've followed "their team" like an unemployed, former highschool, second string punter.

WOMEN - let's talk.

*Note: This next section MAY or may not be misogynistic. If you do not condone this, please leave this site... or get some bread. There are sammiches to be made.*

You're the worst ones of all. WE KNOW YOU DON'T WATCH FOOTBALL. We know the only exposure you have been... exposed to, is when you're nice and agree to play a quarter of Madden with your boyfriend and ask why you can't find Sidney Crosby on Pittsburgh's roster. You don't seem cute when you post "GO GREEN BAY" or "GO STEELERS" on your Facebook account from your iPhone two hours before the game. We all know you haven't watch a game of theirs all year. Just stop.

Women, you can rest now. I'm done with your part. Back to everyone.

It's even more obvious that you're just trying to seem trendy, since this is the only sport that you do this. You don't pick a team for the NBA playoffs, nor did I read dozens of "Go Giants" or "Go Rangers!" during the world series. Here in Canada at least, when you suddenly pick your new favourite team during the third round of the Stanley Cup playoffs, there is just a small chance that you're not full of shit. Even then, it's a tossup.

So why do we only see this bandwagon trend happen with football? It only takes one game - three hours to decide a winner. That's right. People are fucking lazy. They're too lazy to even pretend to support a team for a four to seven game series.



And with that - Go Pats. Read it here, because it won't be on my Facebook before next years Super Bowl game. Fuck the Jets, by the way.

Tyler Perry

...is not fucking funny.

If you watch Meet the Browns or Tyler Perry’s House of Payne… you’re an idiot and clearly you do not have a proper sense of what is and is not funny. Seriously, how the hell can someone watch his work without having a lobotomy beforehand? Meet the Browns has the comedic value of a condom but lacks the twenty minutes of enjoyment. Not to mention the father character sounds like he took a 3-Wood to the throat. You can make your own jokes about that last sentence.

As for the abortion known as Tyler Perry’s House of Payne, all I will comment on is the fact that one of the characters’ name is Malik. Malik. MALIK? FUCK. God dammit Perry, how the fuck did you get famous? You’re just about as stupid as your audien-… wait. That’s it! That is how you became famous! THE PEOPLE WHO WATCH YOUR SHOW ARE BRAINDEAD, MORONIC FUCKS.

I would just like to point out that his character selection is old, tired, moronic and slightly racist in a way. I mean, not that I care about racism that much, however if you haven’t noticed – the subtle racism/stereotyping is so prevalent that you can’t possibly miss it. In every movie and “sitcom” he has created, there are always:

• Sassy black lady
• Older sassy black lady
• P-whipped man
• Older, emasculated, pussy-whipped man

HOLY CUNTFUCKS HOW ORIGNAL.

EB Games and Sony: The Chronicle of Dicks

I love playing on my Playstation 3. I love playing games on it like Call of Duty 4, Grand Theft Auto IV, NHL 11, Bioshock 2, etc. However I've come to discover that for as much fun as it is, it's just as frustrating due to the frequency of which the games freeze up.

I bought the system around the first week of November and have had so many problems that it makes my head spin. Let's backtrack and list the bullshit...

1. Buy PS3 and a copy of Call of Duty: Black Ops.

2. End up with a Playstation that received the Yellow Light of Death within ten minutes of turning it on. Bonus points for having the game stuck inside.

3. Call EB Games to say that I am bringing it back.

4. Show up at the store where they tell me that they can give me a replacement PS3, however they cannot give me the game since they can't prove that it is actually inside the system. They tell me that they will have the game out and will phone me during the upcoming work week (so far all of this has happened on a Saturday.)

5. Of course they don't phone. I decide on Thursday to phone and see what is up. Nothing is up of course. Tell me to phone on Monday.

6. Monday - See step five and guess result...

7. Countless phone calls later and I finally get the game. After a month and a half of waiting and $75 I finally get it.

8. Bring it home, pop it in.

9. Fucking thing freezes after five minutes (if I'm lucky.)

10. Return it for a new copy since I thought it must be defective.

11. New copy freezes too. Assume it must be my Playstation.

12. Loathe technology. Realize irony. Masturbate profusely.


Fin.

Question Mark?

I find it really annoying when people end statements with question marks?

Seriously, Jesus fuck. Every time I go on my Facebook account (I'm not proud that I have one,) I always see some stunned girl write on a friends wall or update a status with one of the following, or similar lines:

"omg, ttc?"
"So drunjkkkkk?"
"Lost my cellphone? :S"

Hi bitch, I'm Facebook. I don't know if you lost your fucking cellphone. I'm a website. I don't know these things. Now, upload more half naked photos of yourselves. Commence.

I don't know, maybe it's just me. It just really pisses me off. Maybe I'm subconsciously a little bit of a misogynist. It seems like most of the idiocy regarding Facebook comes from the female user though. However, one thing is for certain: I hate people so god damn much.

You Defiantly Can't Spell

"lmao, look at this idiot! He can't even spell the title correctly! Trololol."

Fuck you cunt(s.) Learn what irony is. I can definitely spell "definitely." Too bad 88.6% of people cannot. It's not a difficult word. It's simply the word "definite," with an "ly" at the end.

There is no excuse for you morons to spell this word wrong, over and over and over. God damn, you should be shot if you're going to spell it incorrectly and then post it on a forum such as the iTunes review. That is shit that you can't change. Whenever I happen to stumble across a review of an album by a user and I see them write at a second grade level, my dick becomes hard with rage.

Also for those of you who are wondering why I visit the iTunes store when I should clearly be stealing music: I visit the store to sample the music (which is of better quality than that of Youtube uploads.) I then decide whether or not I like the piece, and proceed to find a suitable torrent. It's a very simple process really.

Anyways, back to my rant. I can't believe how many morons can't spell this simple word. Here are some bastardized versions of a simple, English word:

- Defiantly (For fucks sake, that's a different word altogether!!!)
- Deffently (Sound it out dickbag, it doesn't even sound remotely correct.)
- Defintly
- Deffiantly
- Definitly (E! The fucking "E!")
- Defantly (Seriously, when I saw this, I nearly punched my grandmother.)
- Definnitely
- Defentily

Honestly, these are all examples of what stupid people have written. Not just on Facebook or MSN, but I've seen idiots even submit them to teachers in their homework. Jesus Christ you fail.

Now in all fairness, up until grade nine, even I had occasional problems with the word. You know what I did to combat my own idiocy? I LOOKED IN A FUCKING DICTIONARY!

Learn to open a dictionary morons. Hell, you can literally use an internet dictionary. For Christ sakes, if you open Microsoft Word you can even type in "deffently" or whatever retarded way you think its spelled; and it will give you a little red line telling you: "You fucked up the spelling." From there you can highlight your fail, right-click and it will give you the CORRECT spelling. Use it fuckwads. Learn to spell an easy word.

I hate you all.

PS - Happy one month. Unlike the rest, you don't fail.

To Apple With Love

I woke up this morning. It was surprisingly cool outside for a June day. It was comfortable, I fell back asleep quickly. I then awoke again about two hours later. This time however, my neck was in intense fucking pain. It was as if Satan himself had inserted a fiery dick into my spine. In other words, my day wasn't going well.

Being the sly Devil that he is, Satan (do you see what I did there?) decided that he would screw with me just a little bit more. He decided that it would be cool to kick me in the Valerie Bertanelli's once more. See apparently it's cool to hide my precious iPod on me. I know it may sound trivial, but it's my baby. I would protect my sweet iPod with my life. The hunt was on.

As I climbed out of bed with the fury of a thousand Nam vets, I could hear the distinct bark of my neighbours' dog. I was thoroughly unimpressed. However I continued on my quest. I journeyed down the stairs. I looked at the couch in my living room. There was no iPod there. My heart skipped a beat. To the kitchen, I knew where I must go. I opened the fridge. Obviously I wasn't looking for my prized possession, I clearly was thirsty. Orange juice; the drink of Kings.

After my encounter with my citrusy friend, I walked lazily to the family room. There it was, in all of its overpriced glory. My iPod, I had found. I popped in my headphones and started to listen to one of my new favourite bands, Creedence Clearwater Revival. As the sweet melodies filled my ears, a couple of guys who were up to no good, started making trouble in my neighbourhood. I got in one little fight and my mom got scared, she said "you're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air."


PS - June 3rd. Great day.

Silly Slut, You're Not a Duck - You're a Slut!

To start things off, let's get a haiku up in this bitch.

Kill yourself now please,
Divide yourself by zero,
Prepare your anus.

Shakespeare was a classy devil if I do say so myself.


Anyways, this brings me to my inevitable rant. Today, let's cuntpunch a social disease. I'm sure you've guessed by now (if not read the title, dipshit,) that we're going to talk about "ducklips."

As defined by some guy on urbandictionary.com:

Ducklips -

Where one's lips look like a duck's bill(beak). Most scenefags [sic] make kissing faces while they take endless pictures of themselves and post them at various places on the internet. They think it looks really cool, but they actually look like an ugly ass duck. It looks really AWFUL, and makes me wan't [sic] to destroy the internet because so many people are doing it.


You see, I rather like this guy. I like his hateful spirit enough that I won't rip on his improper use of an apostrophe. However, I must say that it is not only "scenefags," who spread this mouth cancer around the internet. Oh, it's much worse. Every idiot with a Nikon does this. Apparently looking like you're in the middle of an enema is attractive, and guys will want you.

Here's a tip: I'm a guy. Trust me; we all think you look stupid. The only guy's who get a chub from seeing them are morons, and borderline furries. Needless to say, both groups are fucked beyond belief.

Look, I know that I'm not a model and no, I haven't taken any classes on fashion or anything, nut I think I can make a fair assessment of what makes someone look like an idiot. So with that being said, we must now try and figure out WHY, someone would intentionally try to make themselves look like they just sucked on *insert your own example here, ________________.

Personally I think it just comes down to people being insecure. A lot of people (and by this I mean teenage girls with a Facebook account,) feel like they're not pretty enough, or that people are judging them. Now, to be fair the latter is 100% true. I won't try to bullshit you by saying people aren't THAT shallow. I'm a realist, not a FOX reporter. On the other hand, a lot of these girls who make the duck-face, are actually pretty attractive. So why is it that the hot chicks are insecure? Is it due to their parents not giving them enough attention or something? LOL NO! It's actually because they're stupid. No seriously - it's that simple.

Fucking fuck. Just stop making making idiotic faces, okay? I swear you're mouth looks like an aliens asshole when you do it.


Also, watch these two videos SIMULTANEOUSLY. Your face will melt.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLx60TZ9_T8
http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=otphq5MuVqA