Why You Won't Survive The Zombie Apocalypse

Just a flesh wound...

The sky goes black. An eerie calm surrounds you. Then before you know it, light fills the sky. Explosions and screams fill the night. Silence comes once again; but not for long. As you gaze upon the wreckage you see hundreds, if not thousands of the walking undead fill the streets. Don’t worry though, you’ll be fine. You’ve got more AK-47’s than Osama’s compound, enough canned food to last for weeks and the determination and confidence that only a Westboro Baptist Church member could possess. The world is your zombie-killing oyster. How could they possibly stop you, Rambo? You’ve played Call of Duty since you ten! You had a 0.79 KDR in Modern Warfare 2! You’re a beast - a God among men!

Just kidding. You’re fucked like the rest of us. Get ready, because I’m about to blow a load of truth on your leg. Here are the top seven reasons for why you’ll be zombie-noms before you can scream “OH SEX DRAGON, TAKE ME NOW."



1. You’re a survivalist, white-trash, Call of Duty obsessed, twenty-seven year old who thinks that they can trek from Miami to Abbotsford carrying an assortment of weapons that even the U.S Army would be jealous of. Good luck travelling with all of that (also, why do you have all of this, Klebold?)

2. Back to your guns. Don’t you think that someone, even zombies would hear and see all of this? You can only fire off so many howitzer rounds before someone investigates. Not only will the undead want to take a bite out of your ass like I want to take one out of Kim Kardashian, but any other survivors will too. Sure, there will be some level of sanity. But you and I both know that there will be groups out there that will see this as the perfect chance to live out their Reaper (inFamous) fantasies without worry.

3. Food. Ah, great, you can blow Stockholm off the map… but you can’t eat. “But I decided to pack food, stupid!” Good for you. However, what happens when you eventually meet someone who hasn’t eaten in four days and has nothing to lose? You best be sharin’ mang. A month’s worth of canned tuna doesn’t help much when you’ve got to share with a crazed mob.

4. Hey I have a car, I can just drive wherever I want! Sure you can… until you run out of gas. Do you really think that many gas stations survived the catastrophic events that led half the nation to look like Lindsay Lohan after an eight-ball? Not to mention, you’re definitely going to stick out like a sore thumb for both zombies and asshole survivors alike.

5. “Well, I’m like Bin Laden – I smell, I’m on the no-fly zone and I live two miles from a major military base” (really the only part relevant here, sir.) That’s nice. However, you better think that they will have that bitch quarantined and ready to shoot anything bigger than a cockroach that even approaches. You would get lit up like the 4th of July if you even tried getting in.

6. “Zombies are slow, therefore, I can outrun them.” Well two problems. Firstly, what if they’re not all slow? What if some of them are runners? Secondly, zombies don’t feel the burn of running fifty feet to get another Pizza Pop from the microwave. While you’re muscles are calling you an asshole, you’re going to be a prime target for a zombie horde to make an honest man out of you. I hope you waxed your taint.

7. If you even so much as get bit by one of these douchetroopers, you’re fucked. Even if you don’t turn into a zombie, you’re going to get sick – really sick. Chances are pretty good that you’re not a doctor. In fact, I’m willing to bet that you’re not even smart. Don’t expect to make it far.


So what can you, the common civilian do to help yourself not die (so quickly?)

1. Travel lightly and with a small group (no more than five or six other people.)

2. I think we’ve established that guns are a bad idea. Do take something like a knife (good for defending yourself and insanely valuable for evening lines of coke, as well as making and cutting other things obviously.)

3. Stay the fuck out of largely populated areas. There will be fewer people and zombies in the countryside. A great bonus is that there will be vegetation and the possibility for natural defences like thick bush (lol) and jagged rocks that will slow/stop people from advancing on your position.

4. Don’t be caught wearing bright clothing if possible. If you’re in the middle of the street when this happens and you’re wearing a bright shirt, then I can’t blame you. Don’t run back to your house to change and take a shower – just book it like OJ on the interstate. However, if you’re just sitting there jerking off, finish and then change into those Army fatigues that your senile grandfather with the Confederate flag on his passengers seat window gave you.

5. Don’t expect to survive. No seriously, I’m not just being a dick. You’ll need to expect that death is creeping up on you at every instant. You’ll need to blend stealth and smarts to have any kind of hope to make it out alive.


Even with all of this advice, remember that you’ve still only got about a 0.00034% chance of surviving. Even then, I’m probably being generous.