Question Mark?

I find it really annoying when people end statements with question marks?

Seriously, Jesus fuck. Every time I go on my Facebook account (I'm not proud that I have one,) I always see some stunned girl write on a friends wall or update a status with one of the following, or similar lines:

"omg, ttc?"
"So drunjkkkkk?"
"Lost my cellphone? :S"

Hi bitch, I'm Facebook. I don't know if you lost your fucking cellphone. I'm a website. I don't know these things. Now, upload more half naked photos of yourselves. Commence.

I don't know, maybe it's just me. It just really pisses me off. Maybe I'm subconsciously a little bit of a misogynist. It seems like most of the idiocy regarding Facebook comes from the female user though. However, one thing is for certain: I hate people so god damn much.

You Defiantly Can't Spell

"lmao, look at this idiot! He can't even spell the title correctly! Trololol."

Fuck you cunt(s.) Learn what irony is. I can definitely spell "definitely." Too bad 88.6% of people cannot. It's not a difficult word. It's simply the word "definite," with an "ly" at the end.

There is no excuse for you morons to spell this word wrong, over and over and over. God damn, you should be shot if you're going to spell it incorrectly and then post it on a forum such as the iTunes review. That is shit that you can't change. Whenever I happen to stumble across a review of an album by a user and I see them write at a second grade level, my dick becomes hard with rage.

Also for those of you who are wondering why I visit the iTunes store when I should clearly be stealing music: I visit the store to sample the music (which is of better quality than that of Youtube uploads.) I then decide whether or not I like the piece, and proceed to find a suitable torrent. It's a very simple process really.

Anyways, back to my rant. I can't believe how many morons can't spell this simple word. Here are some bastardized versions of a simple, English word:

- Defiantly (For fucks sake, that's a different word altogether!!!)
- Deffently (Sound it out dickbag, it doesn't even sound remotely correct.)
- Defintly
- Deffiantly
- Definitly (E! The fucking "E!")
- Defantly (Seriously, when I saw this, I nearly punched my grandmother.)
- Definnitely
- Defentily

Honestly, these are all examples of what stupid people have written. Not just on Facebook or MSN, but I've seen idiots even submit them to teachers in their homework. Jesus Christ you fail.

Now in all fairness, up until grade nine, even I had occasional problems with the word. You know what I did to combat my own idiocy? I LOOKED IN A FUCKING DICTIONARY!

Learn to open a dictionary morons. Hell, you can literally use an internet dictionary. For Christ sakes, if you open Microsoft Word you can even type in "deffently" or whatever retarded way you think its spelled; and it will give you a little red line telling you: "You fucked up the spelling." From there you can highlight your fail, right-click and it will give you the CORRECT spelling. Use it fuckwads. Learn to spell an easy word.

I hate you all.

PS - Happy one month. Unlike the rest, you don't fail.

To Apple With Love

I woke up this morning. It was surprisingly cool outside for a June day. It was comfortable, I fell back asleep quickly. I then awoke again about two hours later. This time however, my neck was in intense fucking pain. It was as if Satan himself had inserted a fiery dick into my spine. In other words, my day wasn't going well.

Being the sly Devil that he is, Satan (do you see what I did there?) decided that he would screw with me just a little bit more. He decided that it would be cool to kick me in the Valerie Bertanelli's once more. See apparently it's cool to hide my precious iPod on me. I know it may sound trivial, but it's my baby. I would protect my sweet iPod with my life. The hunt was on.

As I climbed out of bed with the fury of a thousand Nam vets, I could hear the distinct bark of my neighbours' dog. I was thoroughly unimpressed. However I continued on my quest. I journeyed down the stairs. I looked at the couch in my living room. There was no iPod there. My heart skipped a beat. To the kitchen, I knew where I must go. I opened the fridge. Obviously I wasn't looking for my prized possession, I clearly was thirsty. Orange juice; the drink of Kings.

After my encounter with my citrusy friend, I walked lazily to the family room. There it was, in all of its overpriced glory. My iPod, I had found. I popped in my headphones and started to listen to one of my new favourite bands, Creedence Clearwater Revival. As the sweet melodies filled my ears, a couple of guys who were up to no good, started making trouble in my neighbourhood. I got in one little fight and my mom got scared, she said "you're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air."


PS - June 3rd. Great day.

Silly Slut, You're Not a Duck - You're a Slut!

To start things off, let's get a haiku up in this bitch.

Kill yourself now please,
Divide yourself by zero,
Prepare your anus.

Shakespeare was a classy devil if I do say so myself.


Anyways, this brings me to my inevitable rant. Today, let's cuntpunch a social disease. I'm sure you've guessed by now (if not read the title, dipshit,) that we're going to talk about "ducklips."

As defined by some guy on urbandictionary.com:

Ducklips -

Where one's lips look like a duck's bill(beak). Most scenefags [sic] make kissing faces while they take endless pictures of themselves and post them at various places on the internet. They think it looks really cool, but they actually look like an ugly ass duck. It looks really AWFUL, and makes me wan't [sic] to destroy the internet because so many people are doing it.


You see, I rather like this guy. I like his hateful spirit enough that I won't rip on his improper use of an apostrophe. However, I must say that it is not only "scenefags," who spread this mouth cancer around the internet. Oh, it's much worse. Every idiot with a Nikon does this. Apparently looking like you're in the middle of an enema is attractive, and guys will want you.

Here's a tip: I'm a guy. Trust me; we all think you look stupid. The only guy's who get a chub from seeing them are morons, and borderline furries. Needless to say, both groups are fucked beyond belief.

Look, I know that I'm not a model and no, I haven't taken any classes on fashion or anything, nut I think I can make a fair assessment of what makes someone look like an idiot. So with that being said, we must now try and figure out WHY, someone would intentionally try to make themselves look like they just sucked on *insert your own example here, ________________.

Personally I think it just comes down to people being insecure. A lot of people (and by this I mean teenage girls with a Facebook account,) feel like they're not pretty enough, or that people are judging them. Now, to be fair the latter is 100% true. I won't try to bullshit you by saying people aren't THAT shallow. I'm a realist, not a FOX reporter. On the other hand, a lot of these girls who make the duck-face, are actually pretty attractive. So why is it that the hot chicks are insecure? Is it due to their parents not giving them enough attention or something? LOL NO! It's actually because they're stupid. No seriously - it's that simple.

Fucking fuck. Just stop making making idiotic faces, okay? I swear you're mouth looks like an aliens asshole when you do it.


Also, watch these two videos SIMULTANEOUSLY. Your face will melt.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLx60TZ9_T8
http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=otphq5MuVqA

Alakazam is a King

Hello again, wenches. Now recently I've been pretty bored, and I tried to get back into one of my favourite games of all time: Pokemon Crystal.

Now, if you know anything about Pokemon, you know two things:

- Anything after generation 2, has AIDS
- Mr. Mime is a rapist

Now there are many Pokemon that people think are the best. These often include:

- Mewtwo, Gyarados, Machamp, Ho-Oh, Zapdos, Gengar, Charizard, Blastoise, Nidoking, etc.

Now, these guys are all epic. Hell, Mewtwo and I would would probably chill if he wasn't so awesome and badass. However, there is one Pokemon that I consider to be a King and his name is, Alakazam.

According to Bulbapedia,

"Alakazam is characterized by its human-like structure and its fox-like appearance."

Hmmm, "...human-like structure and its fox-like appearance." Who does that sound like? Oh that's right, MEGAN FOX. Holy mother of FUCK.

Now if that's not enough to make you make sweet monkey love to a USB slot in your computer, this will.

"It is said that Alakazam is known to have mastered every type and form of psychic ability, including, but not limited to, telekinesis, telepathy, ESP, psionic abilities, levitation, defensive techniques, mind control, and telekinetic blasts. Alakazam are said to have excellent memory and can remember everything that it has experienced upon hatching as an Abra, and has an IQ that exceeds 5,000, making it the most intelligent non-legendary Pokémon. Alakazam, and its pre-evolution, Kadabra, are the only known Pokémon that learn Kinesis... Each Alakazam carries two spoons everywhere it goes. These spoons are said to increase this Pokémon's psychic ability greatly."

To summarize, Alakazam is a KING. He's smarter than Ken Jennings and Stephen Hawking put in a blender, and he has mind control!

OH, and also,

He carries two fucking spoons!!! How clutch is that? You and your lady are about to eat some ice cream. She's lookin' fine. BUT OH NO! Your dumb ass didn't bring her a spoon! But wait... trusty Alakazam has one she can use, plus one for himself, because his psychic ass knew you'd fuck up! What a guy. You best be watching your back, because if I was your lady, I'd be letting him... I'll stop.

Seriously though. He's awesome as hell. He gets virtually no recognition, and is underrated. Does he complain? No. He's awesome. Fuck that actually. Alakazam AND Mewtwo are the true Kings. They've both got a manly shade of purple too by the way. Holy shit, my mind is blown.

I Don't Care About Haiti. I Just Don't Care.

I was wandering around my house when I heard something on my television. No, it was not another fucking Jonas Brothers music video, nor was it an idiotic, over dramatized FOX report on Barack Obama (and how he is apparently some kind of God.) It was in fact ANOTHER FUCKING HAITI UPDATE.

Now, I may seem like a total asshole for saying this, but fuck you. I don't care -

I could give less than two shits about Haiti. I didn't care before, and I certainly do not care right now. Sure, it's sad that people died and that many homes and lives were ruined, but it's also sad that I have to hear some moronic reporter telling me about it each day.

Speaking of people whose dad should have worn a condom, what the fuck is with all of these people adopting all of these kids? I mean, I understand they have good intentions, but what about all of the children in Canada that are in foster homes? What the fuck does that tell them? Here's what is says you dolt's:

"Look, we understand that you don't have parents. However there are kid's from a country that we hadn't heard of until today, that don't have parents now either. You see it makes more sense to adopt a kid who doesn't understand our language or customs than it does to look after you. Well hopefully you see it the same way that we do.

PS - If it's any consolation, with the increase of Haitian-Canadians, our soccer team should be able to compete at a higher level in a few years."

Well, fuck. Doesn't that make you wonder why people are so stupid? No, that's right. You're probably just some dumbass who put in an order for a fresh Bijou or Agwe. However if you're not one of these people, I congratulate you for not being a A TOTAL IDIOT.

Just think, if something like this happened in the United States, half of the world would probably create a long-weekend holiday to commemorate the event - and no, I'm not implying that they would do this in Haiti. You know where I mean. Fuckers.

WTF Post

Why do people do things that are so FUCKING STUPID?

For instance, why do pornstars have Twitter accounts? No one cares what you have to say. Now bang me. Thanks.

Why don't we just assassinate Kim Jong Il? I mean, he's fucking crazy, and everyone hates him. His pansy-ass staff wouldn't do shit afterwards, anyways.

Some dumb bitch in my Marketing class today had an answer to a question. The answer was $48,800 (Forty-eight thousand, eight-hundred.) She literally read it as "four, eight, eight, zero, zero." When the teacher was like "lolwut," she replied that she "wasn't very good at reading out numbers [Sic]."

I consistently have an 80+ average in University level courses (not amazing but well above most of my peers,)... and that is an example of one of my classmates. Man the fucking harpoons.

Now, here's more bullshit that pisses me right the fuck off:

Women flock to the dude that played Edward Cullen... need I say more.

People don't appreciate the show "Whose Line is it Anyway?" like they should. People are fucking stupid.

Fleshlights are too damn expensive in my humble opinion.

People rip on Tiger Woods because he banged Holly Sampson and Joslyn James. Those are too hot and slutty pornstars. I for one, congratulate the man. Needless to say, I'd happily put my penis in both of their vaginas. I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic...

The Ottawa Senators continue to keep Matt Carkner on defence as the playoffs near... good luck morons.