Silly Slut, You're Not a Duck - You're a Slut!

To start things off, let's get a haiku up in this bitch.

Kill yourself now please,
Divide yourself by zero,
Prepare your anus.

Shakespeare was a classy devil if I do say so myself.


Anyways, this brings me to my inevitable rant. Today, let's cuntpunch a social disease. I'm sure you've guessed by now (if not read the title, dipshit,) that we're going to talk about "ducklips."

As defined by some guy on urbandictionary.com:

Ducklips -

Where one's lips look like a duck's bill(beak). Most scenefags [sic] make kissing faces while they take endless pictures of themselves and post them at various places on the internet. They think it looks really cool, but they actually look like an ugly ass duck. It looks really AWFUL, and makes me wan't [sic] to destroy the internet because so many people are doing it.


You see, I rather like this guy. I like his hateful spirit enough that I won't rip on his improper use of an apostrophe. However, I must say that it is not only "scenefags," who spread this mouth cancer around the internet. Oh, it's much worse. Every idiot with a Nikon does this. Apparently looking like you're in the middle of an enema is attractive, and guys will want you.

Here's a tip: I'm a guy. Trust me; we all think you look stupid. The only guy's who get a chub from seeing them are morons, and borderline furries. Needless to say, both groups are fucked beyond belief.

Look, I know that I'm not a model and no, I haven't taken any classes on fashion or anything, nut I think I can make a fair assessment of what makes someone look like an idiot. So with that being said, we must now try and figure out WHY, someone would intentionally try to make themselves look like they just sucked on *insert your own example here, ________________.

Personally I think it just comes down to people being insecure. A lot of people (and by this I mean teenage girls with a Facebook account,) feel like they're not pretty enough, or that people are judging them. Now, to be fair the latter is 100% true. I won't try to bullshit you by saying people aren't THAT shallow. I'm a realist, not a FOX reporter. On the other hand, a lot of these girls who make the duck-face, are actually pretty attractive. So why is it that the hot chicks are insecure? Is it due to their parents not giving them enough attention or something? LOL NO! It's actually because they're stupid. No seriously - it's that simple.

Fucking fuck. Just stop making making idiotic faces, okay? I swear you're mouth looks like an aliens asshole when you do it.


Also, watch these two videos SIMULTANEOUSLY. Your face will melt.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLx60TZ9_T8
http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=otphq5MuVqA

Alakazam is a King

Hello again, wenches. Now recently I've been pretty bored, and I tried to get back into one of my favourite games of all time: Pokemon Crystal.

Now, if you know anything about Pokemon, you know two things:

- Anything after generation 2, has AIDS
- Mr. Mime is a rapist

Now there are many Pokemon that people think are the best. These often include:

- Mewtwo, Gyarados, Machamp, Ho-Oh, Zapdos, Gengar, Charizard, Blastoise, Nidoking, etc.

Now, these guys are all epic. Hell, Mewtwo and I would would probably chill if he wasn't so awesome and badass. However, there is one Pokemon that I consider to be a King and his name is, Alakazam.

According to Bulbapedia,

"Alakazam is characterized by its human-like structure and its fox-like appearance."

Hmmm, "...human-like structure and its fox-like appearance." Who does that sound like? Oh that's right, MEGAN FOX. Holy mother of FUCK.

Now if that's not enough to make you make sweet monkey love to a USB slot in your computer, this will.

"It is said that Alakazam is known to have mastered every type and form of psychic ability, including, but not limited to, telekinesis, telepathy, ESP, psionic abilities, levitation, defensive techniques, mind control, and telekinetic blasts. Alakazam are said to have excellent memory and can remember everything that it has experienced upon hatching as an Abra, and has an IQ that exceeds 5,000, making it the most intelligent non-legendary Pokémon. Alakazam, and its pre-evolution, Kadabra, are the only known Pokémon that learn Kinesis... Each Alakazam carries two spoons everywhere it goes. These spoons are said to increase this Pokémon's psychic ability greatly."

To summarize, Alakazam is a KING. He's smarter than Ken Jennings and Stephen Hawking put in a blender, and he has mind control!

OH, and also,

He carries two fucking spoons!!! How clutch is that? You and your lady are about to eat some ice cream. She's lookin' fine. BUT OH NO! Your dumb ass didn't bring her a spoon! But wait... trusty Alakazam has one she can use, plus one for himself, because his psychic ass knew you'd fuck up! What a guy. You best be watching your back, because if I was your lady, I'd be letting him... I'll stop.

Seriously though. He's awesome as hell. He gets virtually no recognition, and is underrated. Does he complain? No. He's awesome. Fuck that actually. Alakazam AND Mewtwo are the true Kings. They've both got a manly shade of purple too by the way. Holy shit, my mind is blown.

I Don't Care About Haiti. I Just Don't Care.

I was wandering around my house when I heard something on my television. No, it was not another fucking Jonas Brothers music video, nor was it an idiotic, over dramatized FOX report on Barack Obama (and how he is apparently some kind of God.) It was in fact ANOTHER FUCKING HAITI UPDATE.

Now, I may seem like a total asshole for saying this, but fuck you. I don't care -

I could give less than two shits about Haiti. I didn't care before, and I certainly do not care right now. Sure, it's sad that people died and that many homes and lives were ruined, but it's also sad that I have to hear some moronic reporter telling me about it each day.

Speaking of people whose dad should have worn a condom, what the fuck is with all of these people adopting all of these kids? I mean, I understand they have good intentions, but what about all of the children in Canada that are in foster homes? What the fuck does that tell them? Here's what is says you dolt's:

"Look, we understand that you don't have parents. However there are kid's from a country that we hadn't heard of until today, that don't have parents now either. You see it makes more sense to adopt a kid who doesn't understand our language or customs than it does to look after you. Well hopefully you see it the same way that we do.

PS - If it's any consolation, with the increase of Haitian-Canadians, our soccer team should be able to compete at a higher level in a few years."

Well, fuck. Doesn't that make you wonder why people are so stupid? No, that's right. You're probably just some dumbass who put in an order for a fresh Bijou or Agwe. However if you're not one of these people, I congratulate you for not being a A TOTAL IDIOT.

Just think, if something like this happened in the United States, half of the world would probably create a long-weekend holiday to commemorate the event - and no, I'm not implying that they would do this in Haiti. You know where I mean. Fuckers.

WTF Post

Why do people do things that are so FUCKING STUPID?

For instance, why do pornstars have Twitter accounts? No one cares what you have to say. Now bang me. Thanks.

Why don't we just assassinate Kim Jong Il? I mean, he's fucking crazy, and everyone hates him. His pansy-ass staff wouldn't do shit afterwards, anyways.

Some dumb bitch in my Marketing class today had an answer to a question. The answer was $48,800 (Forty-eight thousand, eight-hundred.) She literally read it as "four, eight, eight, zero, zero." When the teacher was like "lolwut," she replied that she "wasn't very good at reading out numbers [Sic]."

I consistently have an 80+ average in University level courses (not amazing but well above most of my peers,)... and that is an example of one of my classmates. Man the fucking harpoons.

Now, here's more bullshit that pisses me right the fuck off:

Women flock to the dude that played Edward Cullen... need I say more.

People don't appreciate the show "Whose Line is it Anyway?" like they should. People are fucking stupid.

Fleshlights are too damn expensive in my humble opinion.

People rip on Tiger Woods because he banged Holly Sampson and Joslyn James. Those are too hot and slutty pornstars. I for one, congratulate the man. Needless to say, I'd happily put my penis in both of their vaginas. I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic...

The Ottawa Senators continue to keep Matt Carkner on defence as the playoffs near... good luck morons.

Toronto: Finishing 2010

Well back in October I outlined how the Toronto Maple Leafs...

Oh, Phil Kessel just scored on a power play against San Jose.. 2-2 game in the second now. lolololol Kessel is awesome.

Anyways, at the beginning of the year I praised Brian Burke for improving the Leafs' roster. He added Francois Beauchemin, Mike Komisarek, Garnet Exelby, Phil Kessel, Wayne Primeau, Rickard Wallin, Colton Orr and goalie, Jonas Gustavsson.

After those acquisitions I thought that we would have a good enough team to contend for one one the last playoff spots in the East. It's hard to blame me though seeing as we had young promising players like Stajan, Ian White, Kulemin, Schenn and Ponikarovski. Not to be forgotten are the veterans which include(d) the likes of Tomas Kaberle, Mayers, Jason Blake and Hagman.

I said that I thought our biggest weakness would be our goalkeeping and I was not wrong. Although Gustavsson is our goalie of the future, he still is adjusting to life in the NHL. So far he has played well for a first year player, but certainly not good enough to carry a team. On the other hand, I was hoping that Vesa Toskala would be able to rebound of his injuries plagued '09 season. This was certainly, not the case though.

Well as February rolled around, the Leafs looked awful. Toskala was having trouble stopping beach balls, Wallin still hadn't scored a goal, Kessel was slumping, Komisarek was injured, Grabovski was injured and it looked like the Boston Bruins would end up with the first or second overall pick in the NHL entry draft.

Then out of nowhere Brian Burke made my head explode. I wake up around 10am on Sunday morning to open my Facebook. I happen to see the status update of a good friend that said:

"omg peace Toskala"

I sat there and was like... hmmm, maybe they they put him on waivers and Joey MacDonald will be our backup from now on. Then I scrolled down the page to see someone else's post that read:

"Phaneuf and Giguere not bad"

Naturally I concluded that Calgary and Anaheim had made some sort of three team blockbuster so I decided to check it out.

What happened next blew my mind.

I opened nhl.com to see the headline confirming that Burke had made a trade with Phaneuf, and a trade with Anaheim.

I proceeded to jizz in my pants.

Dion Pheneuf, Fredrik Sjostrom and Keith Aulie had been traded to the Leafs for Jamal Mayers, Niklas Hagman as well as Matt Stajan and Ian White (two of my favourite Leafs for some time.) In fact I had envisioned Stajan to become the captain of the Leafs one day.

Then, I saw we had finally gotten Jean-Sebastian Giguere from the Ducks for Vesa Toskala and Jason Blake. Although it wasn't anything personal with Blake and Toskala I was ecstatic to see them gone. If my memory serves me, I believe they combined for about $7 million dollars, 11 goals and a 3.88 GAA. Not exactly worth the bucks am I right?

So now my team looked something like this:


** - Often healthy scratches or splitting time with Marlies
*** - Injured


P. Kessel
T. Bozak**
M. Grabovski***
W. Primeau***
R. Wallin
L. Stempniak
C. Orr
N. Kulemin
F. Sjostrom
A. Ponikarovsky
J. Rosehill**
J. Mitchell
C. Hanson**
V. Stalberg**

F. Beauchemin
D. Phaneuf
T. Kaberle
L. Schenn
M. Van Ryn***
J. Finger**
C. Gunarsson**
G. Exelby

J. Giguere
J. Gustavsson


Missing young players who had split time between the Marlies and the Leafs last year are:


Jiri Tlusty (Traded to Carolina)
Robbie Earl (Traded to Minnesota)
Justin Pogge (Traded to Anaheim)
Kris Newbury (Signed with Detroit)


I predicted that Toskala would be traded and Nazem Kadri would be debuting around the All-Star break. Well, Toskala was traded last weekend, and Kadri made his NHL debut in the Leafs' loss tonight (3-2.)

Unfortunately this season has been pretty bad. It is however improving vastly, and makes me definitely excited for next year.

I'll be bold once again and just name the players who I don't believe will be around next year. Other than these players, I expect everyone else to wear the blue and white.


Ponikarovski (Traded at deadline to either Pittsburgh, Phoenix, or Colorado)
Stempniak (Traded at deadline to either Pittsburgh, Phoenix or Colorado)
Kaberle (Traded during summer to either Chicago, Los Angeles or Dallas)
Exelby (Traded at deadline to either Chicago or will simply not resign at the end of the year)
Finger (Traded at deadline to either Washington, Carolina, Florida or will be bought out at years end)


All in all, I like the direction that we're going in and I think that Burke has done a good job so far. I wouldn't be too surprised to see the likes of a Paul Kariya, Matthew Lombardi or Colby Armstrong in a Leafs uniform next year. To all of you who complained about trading for Giguere... I told you he was still pretty good.

Two shutouts in his first two games. One against New Jersey and the second against Ottawa which snapped the Sens' ten game winning streak. Tonight he let in three goals against the second best team in the league. He's definitely given our team a chance to win each time, against very tough opponents.

My Head Hurts

So I'm lurking the interwebs, and I see two links. The person who provided them claimed that these were the worst two groups IN THE WORLD. Well, I found this quite hard to believe. I mean look at the shit who is out there already:

-Miley Cyrus
-The Jonas Brothers
-Ke$ha
-Owl City
-Hollywood Undead
-Lady GaGa
-Soulja Boy
-Justin Bieber
-Stereos
-Hedley

Well, we all know there are more, but I'm to lazy to type all of this shit down. Anyways though, let's get back to my story shall we?

So the two links sent me to two groups. One was a girl group called: "Millionaires." Even by the group name I could tell my day was going to take a turn for the worse.

The second group consisted of males (theoretically,) and was called "Brokencyde." Well, the name sounded a bit stupid, but so does "Dropkick Murphy's," or "36 Crazyfists," and they're both pretty good bands.

So as I load the two videos, I instantly notice a few things that they share:

-Both groups look like ridiculous scene/hipster assholes.
-The song names are ridiculously stupid.
-The group names are ridiculously stupid.
-The comments below the video were ridiculously stupid.
-AUTOTUNE, AUTOTUNE and more AUTO-FUCKING-TUNAGE.


After watching about one minute of each video, I instantly felt the need to smash my laptop against my wall. However I soon realized that I love her, and decided to cry into a pillow instead.

These videos should be enough to either convert you to good music, kill yourself, reinforce your feelings of love towards metal/rock, or make you hurt innocent things.

Here are the links:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruTqtbiLNAU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMdAbLVdx5U


If you have the balls to make it through the end of this task, I will be more than happy to call you a God.




Tolerance to Shit Game

Easy Mode: 10 seconds.
Normal Mode: 20 seconds.
Hard Mode: 40 seconds.
Extreme Mode: 1 minute, 30 seconds.
"I've had a lobotomy" Mode: 2 minutes.
GOD MODE: Watch that entire fucking video.

You only have to do this for ONE video. Making you watch both would just be mean. You must watch the video and listen simultaneously. Listening with your eyes closed is an instant disqualification.

Good luck you brave motherfuckers.

The Game, The Hangover and the Fact That I Spew Hate

Oh The Game, have you heard of it? It's wonderful you see. Did you just lose it? You know you did. Haha, you just thought of it, and you better have announced it to everyone within close proximity.

I'm so glad that The Game has come along. It's so cool!!!

:)




Fuck that, it's just damn stupid.

"The Game," is simply a large scale way to make every attention craving idiot feel connected. Birds have calls, dipshits have The Game. It wouldn't even be that bad if people actually new where The Game was popularized. Let's call it... Ebaumsworld. Hell, I would even tolerate this stupid shit if they didn't constantly have to say "Herpity derp, I lost the game guys, har har har DERP."

Sweet Christ, if you have not heard of "The Game," until now... count yourself as one of the few lucky humanoids. Don't you dare become one of the blubbering thwarted abortions. Only say "I lost the game," if you're mocking those of which that have the IQ of a banana.


On a side note, The Hangover is amazing. You know of that movie by now I would hope. If you haven't, I would STRONGLY recommend that you go out and buy it. I personally do not often recommend buying a movie, but in this case, I would suggest that you don't just torrent this bastard.

The only potential flaw with The Hangover, is the fact that they are set to release the sequel (cleverly named, The Hangover 2,) in 2011, I believe. The potential flaw in this of course, is the fact that many sequels SUCK. Hopefully this will be an exception to the movie rule, but I am bracing for a flop.

Regardless, I will forever love my satchel.