Osama Bin Laden is Dead

Osama is dead! Bitch be gone!

Awesome. We've won the war. The troops can come home. Babies shall be made. Fathers and sons will watch baseball knowing all is well. Just kidding.

A short morale boost is all that this is. Great we've killed an aging figurehead who could barely piss without missing his own foot. Clearly as his health was dwindling HE was the one who was truly running the show. Wait, that sounds fucking retarded. That's because it is you idiots. By killing him, we've paved the way for a YOUNGER leader to take charge. He will be idolized and considered to be a martyr, a flagship for "the cause." Yes, in death he will be considered a god. A staple for groups who believe the West must end.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm upset that he's dead. Anytime that we can get rid of someone who is breathing my air, I'm happy. If that person just so happens to be a maniacal, radical fuck - bonus, I say. However, all these giddy people need a reality check. People seem to realize that when Castro dies, we will have to watch a younger, more power hungry person take over. Why can't someone realize it here? Subtract cigars and add turbans and we're playing on the same field (maybe add some American hating suicide bombers... whatever... if they hate us, they hate us.)

Just remember, we still have environmental issues, an aging population, new diseases, multiple nations who are passing us in many important categories, Octomom, a recession and plenty of other things to worry about. Oh wait, Osama Bin Laden is dead!? Sweet - everything's okay actually.

Stop Annoying Us

"AH AH AH YEEEES, FUCK! YES, FUCK, FUCK ME IN MY VAGINA! OH MY GOD I LIKE THE WAY THAT YOU'RE INSERTING YOUR PENIS, WHICH IS THE PRIMARY MALE SEX ORGAN INTO MY VAGINA!" - Tabitha Stevens, pornographic actress.

Like many, I enjoy the occasional jerk off session to some porn in my spare time. Again, like many there are certain things that I can't help but to notice. Now perhaps that opening quote is a tad... embellished, however it's not that far off from some of the things I've heard (sadly.) Listening to a legal prostitute scream in "pleasure" from having a dildo inserted ONCE into her ass is just plain stupid. By no means am I saying it's better to be like Helen Keller; I just want to jerk off and not feel like a bad person because the actress' IQ would legally qualify her to be mentally challenged. In this post, I will go over a few things that infuriate my penis like an entire package of Viagra.

Anuses: No, no, no, I'm not against the other (slightly less) white meat. Well, that is if it's the woman's. No, what I am against, is when I'm about to come and then they switch to missionary position. However, it's not the positions' fault - it's the dumbfuck director. Instead of filming the girl, they often do this stupid shot where they stand behind the dude. Essentially your boner gets deflated like a Firestone tire because you see about an inch and a half of the woman, and the full mass of the man's colon and sagging nutbag (one time I swear I was able to see a portion of his small intestine.) Silly me for expecting to see Nikki Rhodes. I definitely should have been expecting to watch Randy Spears' ballbag for half a movie.

Clear high heels: Okay, high heels are awesome. Let's be honest, if a woman is naturally an eight, she can easily seem like a nine or ten with a set of black heels and maybe a short skirt. Maybe she can even feel up the seemingly prude girl in the front of the classroom who is actually the sexiest girl if she'd just put her hair down and give in to her lesbia... I seem to have forgotten where I was going. The point is, clear heels are just horrible. Like I said before, we know that you're a legal hooker. You don't need to prove it with the overcompensating look. For God sakes... just stop with the clear heels.

Black women: Just kidding. Keep on doing what you do Lacey Duvalle.

Tenderizing your meat: Why the fuck do guys slap their dicks against the girls inner thighs, vagina or asses? It doesn't look attractive. If I wanted to see a dick bounce around I would look away from the computer screen and down at my crotch. Do they do it because blood flows to their member easier that way? Okay, let's say it does. But at the same time, having a hot chick put her lips around it works too. In fact that's what she's doing there. Neither of you are doing your job properly.

Retarded plots: "Miss, it appears that you're short by three cents. We can't sell you this can of Pepsi." Can you guess what happens next? "Well what if I suck your dick?" Yes. That is all we can muster up. I think this section basically explains itself.

"Can I have my pizza after this?"

Men talking: Now I know that this sounds ridiculous. Luckily, I don't give a shit. To the men of porn, I speak for the collective when I say that we don't want to hear you. Never. Ever. Never ever. You're simply a prop that ejaculates. Nothing more. This isn't your time to show your acting skills. This is a time for you to shut the fuck up and let the woman do what she's going to do.

Randy Spears: If I need to hear "HUYEEEEAHHYUHHHHHUUUUUUUUHHHGGGHHHH," before the scene is five minutes in I may snap. Seriously, retire.

In conclusion, I'm too lazy to write a conclusion. Fap on.

The Superbowl is Over

What a great game. The Packers win, confetti, beer commercials and 300 pound men tackling each over. Fuck I love football.


Do you know who else loves football? ALL OF YOUR FUCKING FACEBOOK FRIENDS. People who couldn't tell you who their favourite (oh motherfuckers, you know I mean that with air quotes of the highest order,) teams quarterback is or who go "LMAO, Green Bay is in Wisconsin? I totally heard about that place on that '70s Show!" The same people who say that their favourite team is the Colts one year and then the Patriots the next. Hell, if the Lions somehow make it to the dance next year you'll probably read, "You know, I knew they'd make it. Fucking knew it!" No you didn't Cletus. No. You. Didn't.

Look I get it. It's the big game. Millions are watching. The hype, the lights, oh God - THE CHEERLEADERS. But talk to Uncle Sex Dragon... do you really know what you're watching? Do you know why the big man kicks the ball to the over team after a touchdown or a field goal? No, you don't - and that's okay. Just don't be a stupid fuck who acts as though they've followed "their team" like an unemployed, former highschool, second string punter.

WOMEN - let's talk.

*Note: This next section MAY or may not be misogynistic. If you do not condone this, please leave this site... or get some bread. There are sammiches to be made.*

You're the worst ones of all. WE KNOW YOU DON'T WATCH FOOTBALL. We know the only exposure you have been... exposed to, is when you're nice and agree to play a quarter of Madden with your boyfriend and ask why you can't find Sidney Crosby on Pittsburgh's roster. You don't seem cute when you post "GO GREEN BAY" or "GO STEELERS" on your Facebook account from your iPhone two hours before the game. We all know you haven't watch a game of theirs all year. Just stop.

Women, you can rest now. I'm done with your part. Back to everyone.

It's even more obvious that you're just trying to seem trendy, since this is the only sport that you do this. You don't pick a team for the NBA playoffs, nor did I read dozens of "Go Giants" or "Go Rangers!" during the world series. Here in Canada at least, when you suddenly pick your new favourite team during the third round of the Stanley Cup playoffs, there is just a small chance that you're not full of shit. Even then, it's a tossup.

So why do we only see this bandwagon trend happen with football? It only takes one game - three hours to decide a winner. That's right. People are fucking lazy. They're too lazy to even pretend to support a team for a four to seven game series.



And with that - Go Pats. Read it here, because it won't be on my Facebook before next years Super Bowl game. Fuck the Jets, by the way.

Tyler Perry

...is not fucking funny.

If you watch Meet the Browns or Tyler Perry’s House of Payne… you’re an idiot and clearly you do not have a proper sense of what is and is not funny. Seriously, how the hell can someone watch his work without having a lobotomy beforehand? Meet the Browns has the comedic value of a condom but lacks the twenty minutes of enjoyment. Not to mention the father character sounds like he took a 3-Wood to the throat. You can make your own jokes about that last sentence.

As for the abortion known as Tyler Perry’s House of Payne, all I will comment on is the fact that one of the characters’ name is Malik. Malik. MALIK? FUCK. God dammit Perry, how the fuck did you get famous? You’re just about as stupid as your audien-… wait. That’s it! That is how you became famous! THE PEOPLE WHO WATCH YOUR SHOW ARE BRAINDEAD, MORONIC FUCKS.

I would just like to point out that his character selection is old, tired, moronic and slightly racist in a way. I mean, not that I care about racism that much, however if you haven’t noticed – the subtle racism/stereotyping is so prevalent that you can’t possibly miss it. In every movie and “sitcom” he has created, there are always:

• Sassy black lady
• Older sassy black lady
• P-whipped man
• Older, emasculated, pussy-whipped man

HOLY CUNTFUCKS HOW ORIGNAL.

EB Games and Sony: The Chronicle of Dicks

I love playing on my Playstation 3. I love playing games on it like Call of Duty 4, Grand Theft Auto IV, NHL 11, Bioshock 2, etc. However I've come to discover that for as much fun as it is, it's just as frustrating due to the frequency of which the games freeze up.

I bought the system around the first week of November and have had so many problems that it makes my head spin. Let's backtrack and list the bullshit...

1. Buy PS3 and a copy of Call of Duty: Black Ops.

2. End up with a Playstation that received the Yellow Light of Death within ten minutes of turning it on. Bonus points for having the game stuck inside.

3. Call EB Games to say that I am bringing it back.

4. Show up at the store where they tell me that they can give me a replacement PS3, however they cannot give me the game since they can't prove that it is actually inside the system. They tell me that they will have the game out and will phone me during the upcoming work week (so far all of this has happened on a Saturday.)

5. Of course they don't phone. I decide on Thursday to phone and see what is up. Nothing is up of course. Tell me to phone on Monday.

6. Monday - See step five and guess result...

7. Countless phone calls later and I finally get the game. After a month and a half of waiting and $75 I finally get it.

8. Bring it home, pop it in.

9. Fucking thing freezes after five minutes (if I'm lucky.)

10. Return it for a new copy since I thought it must be defective.

11. New copy freezes too. Assume it must be my Playstation.

12. Loathe technology. Realize irony. Masturbate profusely.


Fin.

Question Mark?

I find it really annoying when people end statements with question marks?

Seriously, Jesus fuck. Every time I go on my Facebook account (I'm not proud that I have one,) I always see some stunned girl write on a friends wall or update a status with one of the following, or similar lines:

"omg, ttc?"
"So drunjkkkkk?"
"Lost my cellphone? :S"

Hi bitch, I'm Facebook. I don't know if you lost your fucking cellphone. I'm a website. I don't know these things. Now, upload more half naked photos of yourselves. Commence.

I don't know, maybe it's just me. It just really pisses me off. Maybe I'm subconsciously a little bit of a misogynist. It seems like most of the idiocy regarding Facebook comes from the female user though. However, one thing is for certain: I hate people so god damn much.

You Defiantly Can't Spell

"lmao, look at this idiot! He can't even spell the title correctly! Trololol."

Fuck you cunt(s.) Learn what irony is. I can definitely spell "definitely." Too bad 88.6% of people cannot. It's not a difficult word. It's simply the word "definite," with an "ly" at the end.

There is no excuse for you morons to spell this word wrong, over and over and over. God damn, you should be shot if you're going to spell it incorrectly and then post it on a forum such as the iTunes review. That is shit that you can't change. Whenever I happen to stumble across a review of an album by a user and I see them write at a second grade level, my dick becomes hard with rage.

Also for those of you who are wondering why I visit the iTunes store when I should clearly be stealing music: I visit the store to sample the music (which is of better quality than that of Youtube uploads.) I then decide whether or not I like the piece, and proceed to find a suitable torrent. It's a very simple process really.

Anyways, back to my rant. I can't believe how many morons can't spell this simple word. Here are some bastardized versions of a simple, English word:

- Defiantly (For fucks sake, that's a different word altogether!!!)
- Deffently (Sound it out dickbag, it doesn't even sound remotely correct.)
- Defintly
- Deffiantly
- Definitly (E! The fucking "E!")
- Defantly (Seriously, when I saw this, I nearly punched my grandmother.)
- Definnitely
- Defentily

Honestly, these are all examples of what stupid people have written. Not just on Facebook or MSN, but I've seen idiots even submit them to teachers in their homework. Jesus Christ you fail.

Now in all fairness, up until grade nine, even I had occasional problems with the word. You know what I did to combat my own idiocy? I LOOKED IN A FUCKING DICTIONARY!

Learn to open a dictionary morons. Hell, you can literally use an internet dictionary. For Christ sakes, if you open Microsoft Word you can even type in "deffently" or whatever retarded way you think its spelled; and it will give you a little red line telling you: "You fucked up the spelling." From there you can highlight your fail, right-click and it will give you the CORRECT spelling. Use it fuckwads. Learn to spell an easy word.

I hate you all.

PS - Happy one month. Unlike the rest, you don't fail.