I got
back to watching the WWE about ten months ago after a near two year hiatus...
and boy have I been primarily underwhelmed. Gone are the days of
interesting storylines, diverse matches and captivating "Superstars."
Instead we're given the same old show every Monday and Friday. Episodes of Raw
and SmackDown have essentially regressed to this basic formula:
- forty minutes of wrestling
ranging from completely uninteresting to semi-interesting
- ten minutes of The Shield
cutting a goofy promo and/or putting on a very good match
- ten minutes of recapping the
previous episode
- ten minutes of John Cena
talking about "hustle" while Ryback breathes maniacally
- five minutes of Sheamus saying
"fella" and/or having lame tag team matches with Randy Orton
- ten minutes of Paul Heyman
being annoying, but actually being pretty entertaining
- five minutes of
Fan(nnnnnn)dan(nnnnnn)go(oooooooo) dancing with Summer Rae, which is
starting to get a little old
- ten minutes of Kane and Daniel
Bryan having semi-decent tag team matches usually preceded by Daniel
having a temper tantrum like an 11 year old
- ten minutes of Alberto Del Rio
and Jack "I've Been Hit in the Head With a Shovel and It's Quite
Evident in More Ways Than One" Swagger arguing about 'Murrica
- five minutes of Tensai looking
awkward as fuck while dancing with Brodus Clay which is ended by losing a
boring match
- ten minutes of reminding us
that the WWE app is a thing, reminders to follow WWE on Twitter and
commercials for WWE brand
abortions movies
- five minutes of Damien Sandow
calling the WWE fans stupid (he's right, you know) and then getting his
shit stomped by Sheamus, Orton, Jericho, etc.
That's
pretty sad considering how much talent they really have but are not utilizing
properly. Let's start with Brodus Clay and Tensai. These two dancing
clowns look absolutely ridiculous. JBL is 100% correct when he refers to them
as "giant dancing tomatoes" when they come to the ring after stealing
the wardrobe from an unfortunate Armenian family (this part is just my
assumption.) Instead of being terrible dancers, these guys could be absolutely
great monster heels. Whether this comes in the form of a tag team, or as
individuals - both could be very interesting.
Randy
Orton - Easily
one of the most talented guys on the roster. He hasn't really been a part of
anything interesting lately though. Sure he's had some decent matches with Big
Show, Mark Henry and Sheamus but they didn't really amount to anything. Orton
should really go back to being a heel and should even perhaps go after the
Intercontinental or US Championship to bring back some credibility to the
belts. Orton as a face isn't entirely satisfying. Let's just be honest - the
guys just looks like an asshole and can play the part very well.
Kane - What. A. Joke... once the most
feared guy on the roster, the Big Red Machine has become nothing more than a
sad wreck. His new mask looks like someone attached an elephant hymen to his
face and his pussified new character is just plain cringeworthy. He's no longer
a legitimate contender for one of the top belts, but he'd be great as either
the US or Intercontinental Championship. And what about this for a storyline -
Kane vs Randy Orton: Orton turns heel and starts periodically attacking Kane
claiming that he will do so every week until The Undertaker accepts a match at
Wrestlemania 30. At Wrestlemania, Orton will break "The Streak"
allowing The Undertaker to retire while propelling Orton to an instant
championship contender.
Wade
Barrett - He's
got the look, he's got the talent and he's got that condescending little way
about him, which I personally love. He should be getting way better matches and
would look great in the championship title hunt. Instead of forcing guys like
Jack Swagger down our throats, why not give Barrett a shot? He's much more
gifted on the mic and frankly, he doesn't look like he's got a mild case of
autism.
Ryback - You've got the look, but you're
awful on the mic. This is where Paul Heyman should come in. He's got Lesnar, CM
Punk and now Curt Axel. How awesome would it be to have them as a super-stable?
Think about it - Punk and Lesnar could own the WWE Championship and the World
Heavyweight Championship, respectively while Axel and Ryback could make for a
nasty tag team or legitimate secondary champions. Eventually, Ryback could turn
face (like Batista did as a member of Evolution) and take on Lesnar for his
belt (allowing Brock to take another hiatus.)
The Great Khali - I don't even know what to say...
Kofi
Kingston - One of
the most athletic athletes seen in the ring since Shelton Benjamin (please come
back, just without the hair dye.) Kingston could be really fun as a heel, but
even more so as a hardcore style wrestler (like Rob Van Dam) who has good
technical ability. I don't see him with one of the two major belts, but he's
good with a secondary belt or as part of an entertaining tag team (Kingston and
Daniel Bryan could be entertaining.)
 |
| Why do I even bother to come back? |
Most
importantly, the WWE needs to stop with this PG crap. I get WHY they're doing
it (all about that profit, dolla dolla) but it's really a sad product. I don't
think there really is a place for guys like Stone Cold in today's wrestling
unfortunately, but it's not THAT, that is the problem. There used to be so much
depth back in the Attitude Era. Sure, what everyone remembers most is the
McMahon/Austin feud, The Rock, Mick Foley (and his alter-egos) and DX, but there were wrestlers
like - (non pussified) Kane, The Undertaker,
Kurt Angle, The Dudleyz, Ken Shamrock, The Hardyz, The APA, an actual Divas Division, a great Tag Team
Division and many others who made the promotion great.
