Lo(o)se

Everyone insane people like myself talks about the fact that there are a shitload of people who can't use the right variations of than/then, there/their/they're and you're/your, yet I never see anyone comment on the lose/loose epidemic. Seriously people, are we you this fucking stupid? Quick English lesson for all of the "C" students out there:

Lose:

Three Examples --  

• I need to lose weight because I'm a fat piece of shit who, on a completely separate topic can't spell to save my life.
• It's okay to lose, Johnny; you're going to be doing it for years to come.
• Dump the body in the river; it's weighing us down and we have to lose the cops!

Loose:

Three Examples:

• Your mother has a loose hinge on the kitchen door. You should really fix that for her; she'd be really appreciative. By the way, her pussy is HUGE.
• During my severe opiate withdrawal, every bowel movement has been loose.
• While I was railing your sister in the ass, the dog got loose. It didn't escape from the yard, I just meant that I accidentally penetrated him during our threesome. You're out of peanut butter and kibble by the way.

So now you all should know how to not make everyone me miserable by being unable to write retarded. Now kill yourself and I may actually like tolerate you.


PS - holy fucking shit, the amount of people who can't differentiate women/woman is astounding. Somehow I'm going to blame this on the feminists. And we wonder why a white kid hasn't won a spelling bee in North America since the '80s. Oh! Don't let me forget too about "come on" often being written as "common." Seriously, retards... come on, this should be common knowledge. Back to using auto-correct, everyone...

Someone PLEASE Save the WWE

I got back to watching the WWE about ten months ago after a near two year hiatus... and boy have I been primarily underwhelmed. Gone are the days of interesting storylines, diverse matches and captivating "Superstars." Instead we're given the same old show every Monday and Friday. Episodes of Raw and SmackDown have essentially regressed to this basic formula:

• forty minutes of wrestling ranging from completely uninteresting to semi-interesting

• ten minutes of The Shield cutting a goofy promo and/or putting on a very good match

• ten minutes of recapping the previous episode

• ten minutes of John Cena talking about "hustle" while Ryback breathes maniacally

• five minutes of Sheamus saying "fella" and/or having lame tag team matches with Randy Orton

• ten minutes of Paul Heyman being annoying, but actually being pretty entertaining

• five minutes of Fan(nnnnnn)dan(nnnnnn)go(oooooooo) dancing with Summer Rae, which is starting to get a little old

• ten minutes of Kane and Daniel Bryan having semi-decent tag team matches usually preceded by Daniel having a temper tantrum like an 11 year old

• ten minutes of Alberto Del Rio and Jack "I've Been Hit in the Head With a Shovel and It's Quite Evident in More Ways Than One" Swagger arguing about 'Murrica

• five minutes of Tensai looking awkward as fuck while dancing with Brodus Clay which is ended by losing a boring match

• ten minutes of reminding us that the WWE app is a thing, reminders to follow WWE on Twitter and commercials for WWE brand abortions movies

• five minutes of Damien Sandow calling the WWE fans stupid (he's right, you know) and then getting his shit stomped by Sheamus, Orton, Jericho, etc.

That's pretty sad considering how much talent they really have but are not utilizing properly. Let's start with Brodus Clay and Tensai. These two dancing clowns look absolutely ridiculous. JBL is 100% correct when he refers to them as "giant dancing tomatoes" when they come to the ring after stealing the wardrobe from an unfortunate Armenian family (this part is just my assumption.) Instead of being terrible dancers, these guys could be absolutely great monster heels. Whether this comes in the form of a tag team, or as individuals - both could be very interesting.

Randy Orton - Easily one of the most talented guys on the roster. He hasn't really been a part of anything interesting lately though. Sure he's had some decent matches with Big Show, Mark Henry and Sheamus but they didn't really amount to anything. Orton should really go back to being a heel and should even perhaps go after the Intercontinental or US Championship to bring back some credibility to the belts. Orton as a face isn't entirely satisfying. Let's just be honest - the guys just looks like an asshole and can play the part very well.

Kane - What. A. Joke... once the most feared guy on the roster, the Big Red Machine has become nothing more than a sad wreck. His new mask looks like someone attached an elephant hymen to his face and his pussified new character is just plain cringeworthy. He's no longer a legitimate contender for one of the top belts, but he'd be great as either the US or Intercontinental Championship. And what about this for a storyline - Kane vs Randy Orton: Orton turns heel and starts periodically attacking Kane claiming that he will do so every week until The Undertaker accepts a match at Wrestlemania 30. At Wrestlemania, Orton will break "The Streak" allowing The Undertaker to retire while propelling Orton to an instant championship contender.

Wade Barrett - He's got the look, he's got the talent and he's got that condescending little way about him, which I personally love. He should be getting way better matches and would look great in the championship title hunt. Instead of forcing guys like Jack Swagger down our throats, why not give Barrett a shot? He's much more gifted on the mic and frankly, he doesn't look like he's got a mild case of autism.

Ryback - You've got the look, but you're awful on the mic. This is where Paul Heyman should come in. He's got Lesnar, CM Punk and now Curt Axel. How awesome would it be to have them as a super-stable? Think about it - Punk and Lesnar could own the WWE Championship and the World Heavyweight Championship, respectively while Axel and Ryback could make for a nasty tag team or legitimate secondary champions. Eventually, Ryback could turn face (like Batista did as a member of Evolution) and take on Lesnar for his belt (allowing Brock to take another hiatus.)

The Great Khali - I don't even know what to say...

Kofi Kingston - One of the most athletic athletes seen in the ring since Shelton Benjamin (please come back, just without the hair dye.) Kingston could be really fun as a heel, but even more so as a hardcore style wrestler (like Rob Van Dam) who has good technical ability. I don't see him with one of the two major belts, but he's good with a secondary belt or as part of an entertaining tag team (Kingston and Daniel Bryan could be entertaining.)

Why do I even bother to come back?

Most importantly, the WWE needs to stop with this PG crap. I get WHY they're doing it (all about that profit, dolla dolla) but it's really a sad product. I don't think there really is a place for guys like Stone Cold in today's wrestling unfortunately, but it's not THAT, that is the problem. There used to be so much depth back in the Attitude Era. Sure, what everyone remembers most is the McMahon/Austin feud, The Rock, Mick Foley (and his alter-egos) and DX, but there were wrestlers like - (non pussified) Kane, The Undertaker, Kurt Angle, The Dudleyz, Ken Shamrock, The Hardyz, The APA, an actual Divas Division, a great Tag Team Division and many others who made the promotion great.

How To Create a Successful Online Dating Profile

This is a topic I've been mulling over for awhile now. In a world where virtually everyone has their eyes glued to their computer screens and cell phones, it only seems logical that the world of online-dating will continue to flourish. People these days are spending less time than ever actually socializing in person. Everything is done via Twitter, Facebook, texts or something else involving keys and emoticons.

To those of you who already have or are thinking of creating online dating profiles through sites such as Plenty of Fish, OKCupid or eHarmony -- here are some great tips to help improve your chances of finding that special person.

Have an interesting opening line
Engage those who are about to read your profile. You're selling yourself after all. Say what you're looking for; whether it's someone for the long-haul or just a place to keep your penis warm for the night, let them know what you goal is.

Talk about your interests and hobbies
You want to let people know what you're all about as an individual. Tell people what you enjoy. List your musical preferences, your favourite movies or books. That gives the reader a bit more to grab on to. Also, it's a good way to see if you have mutual interests.

Have a nice profile picture
Nothing is worse than someone without a picture. Not having a picture is essentially code for "I have a BMI of about 35." Also, make sure your face is displayed. Just because your tits are double D gifts from Jeebus himself, it by no way means that you're pretty.

Give a brief backstory
This doesn't mean your life story. No one wants to hear about your issues with your older brother who picks on you, or that time your uncles male "ex-roommate" touched your wiggly bits after he convinced you that he was a certified pediatrician (even though you were 27 at the time.) No -- by a "backstory" I mean that you should mention where you go to school/work, a few interesting details and your future goals and expectations.

The average looking online dater

So there you go. You're on your way to creating a wildly successful online dating profile! However, I neglected to mention one thing...

Online profiles only work if you're an above average looking male, or a female (not even a good looking female... just one with working parts.) Online dating sites are for the most part full of delusional people women who believe that they're for some reason entitled to Brad Pitt; despite their obvious mediocrity.

Good luck out there; you'll need it (if you're a guy.)

Depression

I should begin this by saying that this post is not meant to be whiny or anything of the sorts. It's really just meant to be something that the one or two people who read this can relate to. Anyways, I'll begin...

Every day waking up truly feels like a chore. Colours are dull, eating is a hassle, jokes aren't funny and every hour spent awake feels like a week. Even things you previously loved to do can begin to feel mundane and bothersome. It's like there's a void; an empty chasm. A lot of people think it's easy to rectify; "go out, it's simple!" They don't understand that there is a severe catch 22. When you're sad, you don't want to go out; it's tiresome, a burden even. Don't get me wrong, there are many people who claimed to be depressed, but in reality are just bored or want attention; they've got their own issues. Those are the people that the "just go out" advice will have a better chance at finding happiness. I've dealt with it for so long that I honestly cannot remember the last time I felt happy. My guess would be that it was around a year and a half ago. Unfortunately it was short. Before that, I had spent about nine or ten months being pretty satisfied with things. Sure, life wasn't perfect, but it was manageable. I even had one thing in my life that made me incredibly happy, but now I can't recall the feeling; only the vague memory that things were better.

My memory is rapidly getting worse. I notice that I feel slow and that I'm hardly able to be articulate around people anymore. School is a fucking train wreck and I'd do anything to have just never enrolled. I don't really care about my well being, although I do make a point not to let that show with friends or family members. The other week or so, I was jumped while walking home late at night. My reaction was to fight back, obviously, but the concerning part was that I wasn't scared at all. I don't mean to phrase that as if I'm some pseudo-badass or anything. What I mean is that I couldn't have really cared too much. I mean sure, if I had of gotten stabbed or something, I'm sure I would have freaked out a bit, but after the incident I felt calm and I know that can't be a healthy response. It's a real motherfucker for sure, depression, I mean. I understand why people kill themselves to be honest. If I had the means, I'd likely be a part of an unfortunate statistic by now. Like I said in the beginning, this isn't meant to help or hurt anyone, but rather to be relatable to someone. However, it's most likely going to be nothing more than another drop in the ocean that is the Internet.

An Undeserved Sense of Importance

If you were expecting to stumble upon a few paragraphs that contain content that you have never heard of in some capacity before, I would recommend that you stop reading right now.

How often do you come across a disclaimer like that in your daily life? My guess would be somewhere in the vicinity of, never. Unfortunately it seems that most people would never admit that the vast majority of things that they say or write are relatively meaningless. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean to imply that ALL peoples' thoughts are idiotic. No, what's idiotic is the amount of attention whore behaviour that is prevalent and... ugh, encouraged.

I'm not exactly sure when this happened, but at a certain point our society began to get the retarded notion that whenever there was a thought, it should be shared in some capacity. Social media outlets like Facebook certainly provide an easy and effective way for every attention deprived, self-important person to create pointless writings about riveting things that include, but are not limited to things like the following:

- How "hammed" you are, will be or was
- Miscellaneous song lyrics that aren't/don't relate to the situation
- Over manufactured pictures that capture how "fun" and "exciting" you are, in an attempt to have people metaphorically jerk you off and tell you how you're so great just for being you
- Pictures of your cats

I have so many Facebook friends because I'm witty

Clearly there are two very alarming things that factor into this shit. There is both a serious case of over saturation and also a lack of any kind of creativity. People and their very common idea that every thought is worth recording, causes these kind of posts to be written. In response to that, one who wants to compete has to write drivel that is comparable to entomb the feeble minds of the sheep. Instead of rewarding thought provoking content and ideas that may include something that may offend, we are usually praised for creating, sorry, copying the same thing over and over again, on the notion that "if it works, bleed it til it's dry."

Obviously, no one should expect every text or status update should regard an important world issue; however at the same time, most of these posts should try to convey some kind of message that doesn't contain either "Y U NO ______" or a Nicki Minaj quote.***

***It should be noted by the way, that if you reside or were raised in a small town where the population is 90%+ white, you look ridiculous when you try to act like a gangster/rich girl from California/guido/guidette/dude-guy-bro. Liking some kind of stupid thing like that, does not automatically acclimate you into their diseased riddled culture (fortunately.)

The source of the problem, is that are society is too preoccupied with making everyone feel appreciated. No one is wrong and everyone is considered to be just as valuable as the next. Luckily, even though this design works relatively well to make sure that everyone just follows the same crap, there is a portion who are able to rise to the top and break away from the pack. There will always be a few who will realize that to live in mediocrity is stupid, even if it's easier. Those who create do not look to copy. They look to create and seek to birth new ideas.

You're not all beautiful.
You're not all smart.
You won't all be successful.

However, if you wake up and realize that if you work hard, try to do something worthwhile and stop expecting to be coddled, there is a good chance that you will at least be the third option. Do not sit around waiting for someone to come and hand you everything in life. But if you choose to, make sure you have a comfortable spot because you will be there for the rest of your life.

Why You Won't Survive The Zombie Apocalypse

Just a flesh wound...

The sky goes black. An eerie calm surrounds you. Then before you know it, light fills the sky. Explosions and screams fill the night. Silence comes once again; but not for long. As you gaze upon the wreckage you see hundreds, if not thousands of the walking undead fill the streets. Don’t worry though, you’ll be fine. You’ve got more AK-47’s than Osama’s compound, enough canned food to last for weeks and the determination and confidence that only a Westboro Baptist Church member could possess. The world is your zombie-killing oyster. How could they possibly stop you, Rambo? You’ve played Call of Duty since you ten! You had a 0.79 KDR in Modern Warfare 2! You’re a beast - a God among men!

Just kidding. You’re fucked like the rest of us. Get ready, because I’m about to blow a load of truth on your leg. Here are the top seven reasons for why you’ll be zombie-noms before you can scream “OH SEX DRAGON, TAKE ME NOW."



1. You’re a survivalist, white-trash, Call of Duty obsessed, twenty-seven year old who thinks that they can trek from Miami to Abbotsford carrying an assortment of weapons that even the U.S Army would be jealous of. Good luck travelling with all of that (also, why do you have all of this, Klebold?)

2. Back to your guns. Don’t you think that someone, even zombies would hear and see all of this? You can only fire off so many howitzer rounds before someone investigates. Not only will the undead want to take a bite out of your ass like I want to take one out of Kim Kardashian, but any other survivors will too. Sure, there will be some level of sanity. But you and I both know that there will be groups out there that will see this as the perfect chance to live out their Reaper (inFamous) fantasies without worry.

3. Food. Ah, great, you can blow Stockholm off the map… but you can’t eat. “But I decided to pack food, stupid!” Good for you. However, what happens when you eventually meet someone who hasn’t eaten in four days and has nothing to lose? You best be sharin’ mang. A month’s worth of canned tuna doesn’t help much when you’ve got to share with a crazed mob.

4. Hey I have a car, I can just drive wherever I want! Sure you can… until you run out of gas. Do you really think that many gas stations survived the catastrophic events that led half the nation to look like Lindsay Lohan after an eight-ball? Not to mention, you’re definitely going to stick out like a sore thumb for both zombies and asshole survivors alike.

5. “Well, I’m like Bin Laden – I smell, I’m on the no-fly zone and I live two miles from a major military base” (really the only part relevant here, sir.) That’s nice. However, you better think that they will have that bitch quarantined and ready to shoot anything bigger than a cockroach that even approaches. You would get lit up like the 4th of July if you even tried getting in.

6. “Zombies are slow, therefore, I can outrun them.” Well two problems. Firstly, what if they’re not all slow? What if some of them are runners? Secondly, zombies don’t feel the burn of running fifty feet to get another Pizza Pop from the microwave. While you’re muscles are calling you an asshole, you’re going to be a prime target for a zombie horde to make an honest man out of you. I hope you waxed your taint.

7. If you even so much as get bit by one of these douchetroopers, you’re fucked. Even if you don’t turn into a zombie, you’re going to get sick – really sick. Chances are pretty good that you’re not a doctor. In fact, I’m willing to bet that you’re not even smart. Don’t expect to make it far.


So what can you, the common civilian do to help yourself not die (so quickly?)

1. Travel lightly and with a small group (no more than five or six other people.)

2. I think we’ve established that guns are a bad idea. Do take something like a knife (good for defending yourself and insanely valuable for evening lines of coke, as well as making and cutting other things obviously.)

3. Stay the fuck out of largely populated areas. There will be fewer people and zombies in the countryside. A great bonus is that there will be vegetation and the possibility for natural defences like thick bush (lol) and jagged rocks that will slow/stop people from advancing on your position.

4. Don’t be caught wearing bright clothing if possible. If you’re in the middle of the street when this happens and you’re wearing a bright shirt, then I can’t blame you. Don’t run back to your house to change and take a shower – just book it like OJ on the interstate. However, if you’re just sitting there jerking off, finish and then change into those Army fatigues that your senile grandfather with the Confederate flag on his passengers seat window gave you.

5. Don’t expect to survive. No seriously, I’m not just being a dick. You’ll need to expect that death is creeping up on you at every instant. You’ll need to blend stealth and smarts to have any kind of hope to make it out alive.


Even with all of this advice, remember that you’ve still only got about a 0.00034% chance of surviving. Even then, I’m probably being generous.

Osama Bin Laden is Dead

Osama is dead! Bitch be gone!

Awesome. We've won the war. The troops can come home. Babies shall be made. Fathers and sons will watch baseball knowing all is well. Just kidding.

A short morale boost is all that this is. Great we've killed an aging figurehead who could barely piss without missing his own foot. Clearly as his health was dwindling HE was the one who was truly running the show. Wait, that sounds fucking retarded. That's because it is you idiots. By killing him, we've paved the way for a YOUNGER leader to take charge. He will be idolized and considered to be a martyr, a flagship for "the cause." Yes, in death he will be considered a god. A staple for groups who believe the West must end.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm upset that he's dead. Anytime that we can get rid of someone who is breathing my air, I'm happy. If that person just so happens to be a maniacal, radical fuck - bonus, I say. However, all these giddy people need a reality check. People seem to realize that when Castro dies, we will have to watch a younger, more power hungry person take over. Why can't someone realize it here? Subtract cigars and add turbans and we're playing on the same field (maybe add some American hating suicide bombers... whatever... if they hate us, they hate us.)

Just remember, we still have environmental issues, an aging population, new diseases, multiple nations who are passing us in many important categories, Octomom, a recession and plenty of other things to worry about. Oh wait, Osama Bin Laden is dead!? Sweet - everything's okay actually.