How To Create a Successful Online Dating Profile

This is a topic I've been mulling over for awhile now. In a world where virtually everyone has their eyes glued to their computer screens and cell phones, it only seems logical that the world of online-dating will continue to flourish. People these days are spending less time than ever actually socializing in person. Everything is done via Twitter, Facebook, texts or something else involving keys and emoticons.

To those of you who already have or are thinking of creating online dating profiles through sites such as Plenty of Fish, OKCupid or eHarmony -- here are some great tips to help improve your chances of finding that special person.

Have an interesting opening line
Engage those who are about to read your profile. You're selling yourself after all. Say what you're looking for; whether it's someone for the long-haul or just a place to keep your penis warm for the night, let them know what you goal is.

Talk about your interests and hobbies
You want to let people know what you're all about as an individual. Tell people what you enjoy. List your musical preferences, your favourite movies or books. That gives the reader a bit more to grab on to. Also, it's a good way to see if you have mutual interests.

Have a nice profile picture
Nothing is worse than someone without a picture. Not having a picture is essentially code for "I have a BMI of about 35." Also, make sure your face is displayed. Just because your tits are double D gifts from Jeebus himself, it by no way means that you're pretty.

Give a brief backstory
This doesn't mean your life story. No one wants to hear about your issues with your older brother who picks on you, or that time your uncles male "ex-roommate" touched your wiggly bits after he convinced you that he was a certified pediatrician (even though you were 27 at the time.) No -- by a "backstory" I mean that you should mention where you go to school/work, a few interesting details and your future goals and expectations.

The average looking online dater

So there you go. You're on your way to creating a wildly successful online dating profile! However, I neglected to mention one thing...

Online profiles only work if you're an above average looking male, or a female (not even a good looking female... just one with working parts.) Online dating sites are for the most part full of delusional people women who believe that they're for some reason entitled to Brad Pitt; despite their obvious mediocrity.

Good luck out there; you'll need it (if you're a guy.)

Depression

I should begin this by saying that this post is not meant to be whiny or anything of the sorts. It's really just meant to be something that the one or two people who read this can relate to. Anyways, I'll begin...

Every day waking up truly feels like a chore. Colours are dull, eating is a hassle, jokes aren't funny and every hour spent awake feels like a week. Even things you previously loved to do can begin to feel mundane and bothersome. It's like there's a void; an empty chasm. A lot of people think it's easy to rectify; "go out, it's simple!" They don't understand that there is a severe catch 22. When you're sad, you don't want to go out; it's tiresome, a burden even. Don't get me wrong, there are many people who claimed to be depressed, but in reality are just bored or want attention; they've got their own issues. Those are the people that the "just go out" advice will have a better chance at finding happiness. I've dealt with it for so long that I honestly cannot remember the last time I felt happy. My guess would be that it was around a year and a half ago. Unfortunately it was short. Before that, I had spent about nine or ten months being pretty satisfied with things. Sure, life wasn't perfect, but it was manageable. I even had one thing in my life that made me incredibly happy, but now I can't recall the feeling; only the vague memory that things were better.

My memory is rapidly getting worse. I notice that I feel slow and that I'm hardly able to be articulate around people anymore. School is a fucking train wreck and I'd do anything to have just never enrolled. I don't really care about my well being, although I do make a point not to let that show with friends or family members. The other week or so, I was jumped while walking home late at night. My reaction was to fight back, obviously, but the concerning part was that I wasn't scared at all. I don't mean to phrase that as if I'm some pseudo-badass or anything. What I mean is that I couldn't have really cared too much. I mean sure, if I had of gotten stabbed or something, I'm sure I would have freaked out a bit, but after the incident I felt calm and I know that can't be a healthy response. It's a real motherfucker for sure, depression, I mean. I understand why people kill themselves to be honest. If I had the means, I'd likely be a part of an unfortunate statistic by now. Like I said in the beginning, this isn't meant to help or hurt anyone, but rather to be relatable to someone. However, it's most likely going to be nothing more than another drop in the ocean that is the Internet.

An Undeserved Sense of Importance

If you were expecting to stumble upon a few paragraphs that contain content that you have never heard of in some capacity before, I would recommend that you stop reading right now.

How often do you come across a disclaimer like that in your daily life? My guess would be somewhere in the vicinity of, never. Unfortunately it seems that most people would never admit that the vast majority of things that they say or write are relatively meaningless. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean to imply that ALL peoples' thoughts are idiotic. No, what's idiotic is the amount of attention whore behaviour that is prevalent and... ugh, encouraged.

I'm not exactly sure when this happened, but at a certain point our society began to get the retarded notion that whenever there was a thought, it should be shared in some capacity. Social media outlets like Facebook certainly provide an easy and effective way for every attention deprived, self-important person to create pointless writings about riveting things that include, but are not limited to things like the following:

- How "hammed" you are, will be or was
- Miscellaneous song lyrics that aren't/don't relate to the situation
- Over manufactured pictures that capture how "fun" and "exciting" you are, in an attempt to have people metaphorically jerk you off and tell you how you're so great just for being you
- Pictures of your cats

I have so many Facebook friends because I'm witty

Clearly there are two very alarming things that factor into this shit. There is both a serious case of over saturation and also a lack of any kind of creativity. People and their very common idea that every thought is worth recording, causes these kind of posts to be written. In response to that, one who wants to compete has to write drivel that is comparable to entomb the feeble minds of the sheep. Instead of rewarding thought provoking content and ideas that may include something that may offend, we are usually praised for creating, sorry, copying the same thing over and over again, on the notion that "if it works, bleed it til it's dry."

Obviously, no one should expect every text or status update should regard an important world issue; however at the same time, most of these posts should try to convey some kind of message that doesn't contain either "Y U NO ______" or a Nicki Minaj quote.***

***It should be noted by the way, that if you reside or were raised in a small town where the population is 90%+ white, you look ridiculous when you try to act like a gangster/rich girl from California/guido/guidette/dude-guy-bro. Liking some kind of stupid thing like that, does not automatically acclimate you into their diseased riddled culture (fortunately.)

The source of the problem, is that are society is too preoccupied with making everyone feel appreciated. No one is wrong and everyone is considered to be just as valuable as the next. Luckily, even though this design works relatively well to make sure that everyone just follows the same crap, there is a portion who are able to rise to the top and break away from the pack. There will always be a few who will realize that to live in mediocrity is stupid, even if it's easier. Those who create do not look to copy. They look to create and seek to birth new ideas.

You're not all beautiful.
You're not all smart.
You won't all be successful.

However, if you wake up and realize that if you work hard, try to do something worthwhile and stop expecting to be coddled, there is a good chance that you will at least be the third option. Do not sit around waiting for someone to come and hand you everything in life. But if you choose to, make sure you have a comfortable spot because you will be there for the rest of your life.